To Sarah from me.

Sarah, a friend of Meghans' that I do not know, made a comment on my last post that made me think. A link to her blog is on the right.

Anyways, she essentially got me thinking about the stuff going on in my life, mostly surrounding Cody. We also had a good talk (Cody and I) last night about where we are and what is going on. We are most definately on a break, and we shall remain as such until he returns to BC. I think it is good for us to be independant for now, seeing as we can barely see one another anyways, so we might as well just be on a 'break'.

I know we should get back together when he returns, it makes me mad that he left in the first place, but I want us to try at it again. I don't know when he is coming back, which only adds to the anger and confusion. However, my coworker said it perfectly when she told me to "stop worrying so much, relax, if its meant to be, then it will be".

Then comes up the issue of the plane ride to Montreal and my planned trip to go there. The issue is slightly monetary in origin, but mostly it is about whether or not it would be awkward for me to visit him while we are 'on a break'. To this she also replied that "you should go there, visit him, see the city. Consider it a vacation, and enjoy it as such. Then, when it is over, you will know whether you still have feelings for this guy, or you have moved on and it can no longer be. Just relax and enjoy it, and discover if your spark is still there at the same time."

I think she is right in both regards. I am suppose to go to Eric's party tonight, and I think I will. We will have fun, but not too much cause I work tommorrow, hehe. I am going to just let go and relax. I'm not going to try and move on from Cody, in fact, I want to maintain contact, but I won't worry so much this way. Then, we can see how it all fits and how it is between us when I go and visit him next month. Life goes on, and so it shall. When the time is right, we shall see if we are right.

Hehe.

I did it !

I stopped the cycle of my dreams. I don't know how, but I did !

I'm going to a party that my friend Eric is throwing tommorrow night, hopefully that will mark the end of this shitty week and the beginning of a better one !

In fact, I know it will. I was so confused, angry, upset and confused, but now I most definately know what I want. I love being me.

Another One

I had another intense dream last night, and like the others (and unusually for me), I still remember it very clearly. I have had one of these dreams each night now, for three nights in a row. I don't know why.

This time My mom had just died, and I was weeping with my face hidden in the corner of a stone wall. It was a dark brown stone, and there were people around, it looked like an ancient temple, with candles and odd inscriptions on the walls.

Her funeral procession started. A woman, whom I did not know, came up to me and told me to join it at the end. I walked with them. I wept the entire time, but I felt very guilty for crying. I felt as though all the people around me were judging me. They were mad at me for being upset. I remember feeling so strongly in emotional pain.

Then I awoke, and I was crying.

Salvated

I came home, and opened iTunes, and it just started at this song. I didn't even know I had it, then I listened to it, and it spoke to me. I've been having weird dreams while this has all been going on. This reminded me clearly of my dream last night. I never remember dreams, but its been playing through my head all day, popping into my head at the most odd moments. I was touring UBC, and looking at the housing, but it was all these gothic rooms with dirt floors in very dank, dark conditions. Then as I walked through it, it slowly turned to take on a medical feel. the guide showed me a room that had apparently belonged to my friend. Then, slowly yet suddenly, there were patients in the rooms, and they were all me, and they were all ill from odd diseases. The guide said to not worry, cause they were to numb to feel their own pain, or to know they were ill. I said it was nice to use drugs to do that, and he said that the mind is the best drug.

when I was a young girl
( Traditional - Texas Gladden )
sang by Feist

When I was a young girl I used to seek pleasure
When I was a young girl I used to drink ale
Out of the ale house down into the jail house
My body's salvated and hell is my doom

Come mama come papa and sit you down by me
Come sit you down by me and pity my case
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body's salvating and hell is my doom

Please send for the preacher to come and pray for me
And send for the doctor to heal all my wounds
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body's salvating and I'm bound to die

One morning one morning one morning in May
I saw this young lady all wrapped in white linen
All wrapped in white linen and called out "the plague"

I don't know

Sometimes things seem like a bad idea, and they do turn out to be mistakes. Sometimes things seem like a bad idea, and they turn out to be good. So, I'm left with the question: Under which category does this choice fall ?

Cody and I are taking 'a break' per sae. We started dating not long before he moved to Montreal, and we have been kinda intense ever since. I think I said it best when I stated that we 'felt like a married couple'. We have downgraded (for lack of a better word) to the status of seeing one another until he comes back from Montreal.

This way neither of us is worried about the other, or feeling like they are highly commited. We are 'open', but only if it happens and the opportunity presents itself, we may sleep with someone else. No other relationships, no other dating, and always safe-sex practices, no question.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. It could be the saving grace we hope it is, and therefore we can almost start anew when he returns, and not jump right in as fast as we did into a relationship. We have been fighting a lot recently, and I think it was because we were fustrated at our commitments to one another, but not reaping any of the benefits of the relationship. I couldn't even snuggle with him for the past 5 weeks.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I just want a snuggle buddy, haha. I don't really feel the need to have sex now that we have agreed it is ok for the next while, but snuggling is definately needed right now. I don't know if that would be appropriate though.

Sigh, I hope this isn't the start of the end of our relationship. Cody had a good point though, this may make us appreciate one another more when we are finally close again, and it may prove to strengthen us. If we don't come out wanting to be together, maybe we weren't meant to be ?

I don't know, too much philosophy at 1:30am. I'm going to bed.

What do you think ? Are we idiots, or have we found a creative solution?

Email to Cody (edited)

I simply had to send you an email before i went to bed. I am SOO rediculously tired, and I do not think you will ever fully understand the vast amounts of energy and effort it is taking to just type right now ! haha !

I went out with Delyth, and my friends Bethany and Richelle and April, it was Bethany's birthday, so we all drank a LOT at her house, and hung out. Julian came too, he was super fun. He is such a good friend, Delyth really liked him too, and it just seems all so fabulous !

We all went dancing, and I freaking danced straight from about 10pm - 1:30am, with only slight breaks for shots. haha, my feet hurt sooo much ! SO MUCH ! my legs are kinda sore too. I made so many random friends tonight too. This lady from Finland ! She was awesome, she was hilarious, and this girl from Nanaimo, OH ! and the coatcheck guy was a hilarious flamer, and knew my friend and so he let us all three in for free ! so awesome. The place was awesome, the music was ok, but the atmosphere was so freaking grand, I just loved it !!! I also made this friend that was a str8 guy named Devon, he was soo funny. Kept on saying how he saw me and Julian in the line and knew we couldnt be str8, ahha ! he was funny, and we all kinda danced together for a bit. He really rocked it on to Billy Jean when it came on. They played this great mix of dance, and electra and pop hits and rock and techno remixes, it was simply fabulous.

Anyways so now I am home, and it is like almost 5am !! oh dear. I should go to bed. I'm really tired and my feet hurts !

You have a good day at work tommorrow ! Love you sweetie and talk to you later ! kisses !

-Matt

Consent

This is the BEST short from youtube EVER. I do not exaggerate people ! watch it.

Interview with me

Thats it, I'm a vampire.





I watched Interview with the Vampire starring Tom Cruise (yum) and Brad Pitt (more yum). Best movie I think I have seen of the genre. It was part of my GERS 487 class, Vampire Culture and Mythology/Legend. It was amazing, I was impressed and overwhelmed with emotions throughout it. The mark of a good film is when it ends, and I never once noticed time was even passing. This story was like that, I was so sad when it ended, it was spectacular.

After watching it, I've decided that I am a vampire in spirit. I am obviously not planning on going around sucking the blood of mortals any time soon, but parts of my personality already match up. I've always been fascinated by them, since I was a child, but never been afraid of them. I usually dress as one for All Hallow's Night. I HATE sun, in fact, its been a very warm fall thus far, lots of sunshine and warmth. Every morning I wake up to the warmth and sunlight in my room, it disgusts me. I love the weather right now, its chilly outside, foggy, and its dark with the soft light of streetlamps. Its my eden. Moody, thoughtful, secretive and mystical, so much more civilized.




I must say that both those men were even sexier to me as vampires, and the costumes were gorgeous. I think that deep down my fascination with vampires stems from my secret jealousy of them. They are immortal, see all, and possess an air of mystery and mystic that I adore.

Therefore, I now declare myself a vampire. Like I said, I do not plan on sucking anyones blood, but I plan on recognising the part of myself that enjoys the dark, foggy, cold night, bundling up in fine cloths and scarves and is fascinated with immortality and spirit. It is romantic to me.

I'm really enjoying this class.

I'm a freaking genius !

I'm writing my first REALLY good academic paper. I've managed to avoid them up until now by doing a degree that is highly mathematical, and therefore involves few written papers that are anything more than a report or summary.

It's a paper that has really inspired me, and I think the key to it being good is how passionate I am about what I am talking about it. It's on gay rights and issues essentially, but my argument is that same-sex marriage (recently made legal here in Canada) is not really that important of an issue for both the average gay Canadian or the overall gay rights movement. Rather, I believe that the overlooked topid of gay education is fundamental. Or, rather, the lack of homosexual literature and exposure to it in the educational institution. Luckily, there is a whole bucket-load of literature on the topic, all of it supporting my point more or less.

I then go on to argue that homosexual and heterosexual worlds will never be equal as long as both words are in existance as ideas and social confines. Education is the perfect way to pursue equality in this regard, for if we can educate children and they grow up accepting of different peoples, then we have successfully ensured society will evolve to be likewise. Great strides have been acheived in this area with regards to race and sex, but not sexuality, and it makes me furious, thereby fuelling the fire with which I write this paper.

Western society is so far behind in these contexts too. I found a reference to Samoan society, which did not (and still doesn't) categorize sexual acts as homosexual or heterosexual. Boys playing 'homosexual' games and casual lesbian relationships were ignored by the locals when Westerners first recorded it in the 1920's. Sadly, the Westerners noticed.

Anyways, I'm going to try and find a way to post the essay on here when I'm done it. I'm actually almost done at this point right now, although I have a max number of pages that is limiting me, and I feel like I can't get all my ideas across. Oh well, I'll just try and focus it on a couple main points !

My Cublicle

Shit EVERYWHERE

Ok, so I'm cleaning out my desk and my room. There is so much crap in my desk... Its quite amusing.

I found a condom in my desk drawer, not a brand that I ahve ever seen before, and I have never bought a condom in my entire life (something I feel that my men need to foot the bill for themselves), so I have no idea where it was from. I threw it out.

Then, I found a bottle of Kahlua. YAY ! But it was empty, so I shed a tear and moved on.

Then, since I was exhausted from cleaning and other domestic duties, I laid down to read Dracula, and fell asleep until class at 6pm.

Now I am at home, after class, pretending to study and talking to Cody in Montreal. Sigh, only 51 days until I visit him.

Career Fair

So, there is a Career Fair at the downtown branch tonight, from 5pm-9pm. The problem is that I have a class from 6:30 - 9pm.

I'm not sure what I should do, I really think it would be pertinent to my career aspirations to attend the fair, but at the same time, these things are usually more of a social gathering than anything. Its important for my long term career for me to go to this class as well, but I simply do not know which one to choose. The career fair would be obviously more fun, but I think that I will end up going to class instead, sigh.

Its kind of sad that that's the only thing that I can think of the blog about. I promise more interesting crap next time !

Thank You John Mayer

John recently joined the coalition of artists and stars that have written or spoken out about the messed up situation the world is in today, about the stupid war, and the stupid leaders of what we call 'Democracy' and I just wanted to thank him. I listen to songs like these and they inspire me, and make me depressed. How is it that so many people can feel this way, and disagree with our leaders, and yet it seems like we make no headway. Almost makes you want to give up and just wait, which I guess is his point.

"Waiting On The World To Change"
John Mayer

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Ah Crap !

Something is definately wrong, I'm just not sure what.

Tonight I went out to my friend Elaine's house, and we had Noodle Box and watched Love Actually, BEST FREAKING MOVIE EVER ! Anyways, thats not the point, afterwards I went out with Delyth to Social Club, and we danced with her two friends Lisa and Sarah. Then, we went to Hush, the electronica, kinda gay club, where Lisa's BF works. We had so much freaking fun and danced our asses off.

I met my friend Julian, whom I have only known online until now, there. He was fun, although he had been there for a while when we came, and I could tell he was hot, sweaty and tired, and he left after about an hour or so. Anyways, so I talked to Cody before I left and said it would just be me and some friends at Social Club and then I was heading home. Oops, plans changed, but I don't think he is happy that I saw Julian, because I found Julian attractive and we almost dated before I met Cody. I mean, I had a guy hit on me, and I told him that I was taken, and that went fine, and Julian and I didn't dance together, we just danced NEAR one another with the girls. I think I handled it fine. BESIDES, Cody went to a freaking gay strip club and very much wanted to cheat on me, so its not like I did anything near that. Argh, I shouldn't bring up the past, I don't want to be that sort of a boyfriend. Anyways, so then Delyth wanted to talk to someone, so I had the brilliant idea that she should call Cody.

Bear in mind that I am driving them all home, so I need to not drink too much, well Delyth is comepletely hammered, and she talks to him, and then I'm all deaf and excited and such, so I probably sounded completely drunk on the phone. I had two drinks, a beer and a shot of tequila. I heart tequila. Anyways, so I think he may have hung up on me, because he thought I was drunk and had driven drunk. I mean, I went through TWO freaking roadblocks on my way home, and I told both of them the truth and neither of them even asked me to get out of the car, it was fine.

I was perhaps a little buzzed, but nothing more. The cops knew that I was fine, and so did I.

Anyways, Cody was also a little short with me the last time we talked online last night. I don't want to read into it too much. It was just that he signed off before I even really got a chance to say goodnight, and yea.. I dunno, he was just short. So, I spend an hour trying to find the perfect ecard to send him to make him feel good in the morning before work, and I found it and sent it. He hasn't said a thing about it. I dunno, I'm just worried that something is bothering him, or that he is upset with me.

Maybe I am over-reacting, but I think that there is something going on I don't know about, or something I've done has rubbed him the wrong way. I need to sort this out.

I also need to get to bed, my its late, cheerio for now !

Leaving me !

There are three people at work leaving me, its saddening.

I just had a retirement/going away appys/drinks party at a local pub/restaurant called the Beacon Landing. It was awesome, we had the best drinks and some really good food, although it was extremely expensive.

Anyways, so my trainer, Dan, is leaving us for a full-time Central Teller position at the main branch which is good for him cause it is a really exciting job and its a pay scale higher. The other was Maureen, who is retiring at the end of this month. I'm really sad to see both of them going, especially when it is the guy that trained me.

I took out my big binder tonight, and started organising, it was fun. I had notes in there from first year Calculus; so, needless to say, it needed the organising. It really excited me actually, and I realised just how much I love being s student sometimes. I'm not nearly as far behind as I think I am when it comes to school work, I think I'm just being melodramatic. I mean, its a lot on my plate, but I can handle it. I just need to do this paper proposal and write a quick 300 word film review this weekend. It should, in total, only take me 4 hours to complete those two things.

I'm really tired tonight, I'm not quite sure why. I only work until 1:30pm tommorrow, so I think after work I am going to go to UVic and start working on a paper proposal that I have to submit by Monday, and then if I get a good chunk of that done, then I am allowed to go out tommorrow night. My good friend that also works at Main Branch is having a party at her house, and its going to be awesome, she is such a riot. So if I study hard, then I'm going there with some friends, and it will be fun !

Moving.

My mom has met this amazing man, and she and him are definately hitting it off, its weird, but I am so happy for her. They've known one another for about 2 years, but only recently became romantically involved. In any case, they have decided to move in together in about a year, so next September.

This is also because my mom has decided to do her PHD at UBC in Vancouver. This is also really exciting and I am totally happy for her. Therefore, they will be moving in together to Vancouver, where he already lives, in less than a year. This means I need to find a new place to live in about 10 months, and we have to get our house ready to be on the market in about 6 months.

The housing market here is rediculously expensive, especially seeing as it is a prime retirement community, so my mom has been told she can effectively sell it for more than double what we paid for it, which is also fabulous.

I need to find somewhere to live now... I'm seriously considering transfering to UBC and moving to Vancouver when she does. I probably won't live with her, I more see myself either moving in with my friend Megan or with my boyfriend Cody... It's exciting, I love change !

Crap, I'm kinda late for work, gotta run !

Back to Madness

So, it's the 'back to school' week, woo hoo !

I don't actually start classes until Wednesday, but I'm up right now way too early for work, and so I thought I might as well write on here what is going through my mind right now. I cannot wait to go back to school, but I also do not want to go back to having no life. RBC has given me like 35 hour workweeks, while I'm doing four classes at UVic. I don't quite know how I am going to do it.

I know that they gave me the schedule out of kindness, they give more hours to the good employees. It's the sort of place where you work hard to get more than part-time hours, but part-time is all that I want. I'm going to go in and talk to my manager today, which may not be the best idea but its the only time I can think of to do this, and the earlier, the better.

It's going to be SO freaking busy at work today, its the day back from a long weekend, and my manager was off sick all of last week. I love my new job, but I wish I knew today wasn't going to be insane. It's not really insane like Starbucks would be, its busy, but a different type of busy-ness.

Oh well, I should be happy to have an awesome job, and lucky to be at UVic and just get over it all ! haha. I'm going to go have some coffee.

I luse mEghan

I love hwr. its beens a a good nigst. I went tos megans and ahead soe poit and sangraia nd ooies, and somes vodak. :D

I am raslyy tried but, iwasnt to stuay up sot hat i can sayhi to cdoy before hwe goes to worsk int eh morning thiere.

Ims oo tried.s

Adequate Resolution

Ok, so this is a follow-up to the stripper incident post. haha, that sounds funny. Anyways...

So, Cody went out and had a great time. The friend he was with, Brian, has a BF, but they are apparently in a new relationship and have decided to be "open" right now. Therefore, if either of them see someone they want to have sex with, they do so, but they remain only in a "relationship" with one another. Cody and I agree that while that may work for them, it sure as hell does not work for us !

So Cody went out, and he said the places were amazing. Apparently the first two strip joints were really sleezy and he didn't like them, but the last place was really classily done and really fun atmosphere. He liked it, but said that he was kinda feeling lonely. Apparently the guys in Montreal are very in your face and aggressive, and he had a hard time with how often he was being hit on... and Brian wasn't helping, cause he was trying to convince him to fling while he was in the city. I am going to kill that Brian.

Yea, so then when Brian went to go leave, Cody decided he had to leave too, because he was being way too tempted by the hot boys everywhere. We talked a bit when he came home, and this morning, and he really opened up about how he felt.

He said had a really strong urge to just have a fling, and was kind of mad for a bit that he wasn't single when he was out. But then he felt extremely bad for thinking that, and started feeling guilty that the thought had even crossed his mind, which is cute, but doesn't quite make it right in my opinion.

I can understand how he must of felt, and it was hard for him, so he left because he didn't want to be tempted any more. I must admit that I was angry that he had been tempted and that he had wanted to do cheat for a bit, but it doesn't surprise me, thats why I didn't want him going in the first place ! ARgh.

Anyways, so now its over, and I can move on. I'm still jealous, but whatever, like Steph said, I will be until he comes home, its just who I am. We are on better terms now, and I feel like things are getting back to normal. I really had no idea now amazingly intensely emotional these Long Distance Relationships can be, I can't wait until Cody is home.

Why am I pissed off ?

Cody is in Montreal. His friend, Sanjay, has a friend in Montreal who is taking Cody out with some of his friends tommorrow night. I think it's exciting, and I was happy he was going to have fun while he was there, cause he's not exactly enjoying his job or where in the city he is.

Anyways, now I was informed that he is actually going out to a bunch of gay strip clubs tommorrow night. Which I was only slightly mad about until I decided to read up about some of them in Montreal.

Apparently, Montreal is known for these strip clubs. A lot of them have "private rooms" and you can purchase "extended private dances". Gawd, how amazingly seedy. Even some of the reviews say that they were seedy compared to what the person expected. Some were reviewed as being "classy" and well managed, but they all have private "back rooms" and such.

Honestly, given as much as I know about gay people, it doesn't surprise me one bit. What does surprise me is that Cody told me he was going out tommorrow night ages ago, but didn't mention the stripper thing until tonight. I don't know, maybe I'm reading way too much into it than I should be; but I honestly am not very happy when I imagine what could happen when you mix alcohol and a bunch of gay guys out on the town in one of these places. I think I'm also jealous, because I know that he is going to find these guys attractive and be yelling and hooting at them, while I sit here, literally hundreds of miles away from my boyfriend.

I don't even want to talk about it with him, I'm just mad, and sad, and I could almost cry, and I don't know why. I think more than anything, what pisses me off, is that he is going to be out and about in one of the hottest and biggest gay scenes in Canada witha bunch of hot guys, and I'm not there, I'm not even close, and lets be honest, I will probably be the last thing on his mind. I just hate being this far away.

Megan says I'm over-reacting about the strippers, but I don't think its even about them. I think its more about me hating being separated from my man when he is in such an amazing city. I can't stand it, and I hate that I get jealous so easily, but I can't help it. All my past romances have all involved cheating, its just been a plague on my love life.

Then again, maybe its just me, maybe I'm being an idiot. Or maybe I'm right, and I was a fool.