My Everything.

I am so completely and totally in love, it would be scary if it wasn't so wonderful.

I never knew how all-encompassing and overwhelming this feeling is. I can honestly say that I have never felt like this before about any human being, and its beautiful. He is my everything.

His name is Cody, and we met online. Yes, we met online, get over it. I love him.

I imagine you want to know all the background info that friends usually want. He lives in Merrit temporarily right now, while he waits to start his training to become an Air Traffic Controller. He is currently an Aircraft Mechanic. He's working his last contract, with Bombardier, in Montreal for the next 2 months, which makes me happy for him, but sad. I will get to see him in 6 weeks, when I fly there to see him for Thanksgiving in October.

He has a dog named Taco, whom I also love, not in the same way.



I don't know what else to say. I never wanted to get married. I never wanted to be that committed, I just wanted a bf, but never anything seriously more.

I can see myself marrying him. I would love to grow old with him, and spend the rest of our lives together.

So much !

OMG, It's been an insanely long time since I posted ANYTHING on here. I'm considering changing my blog over to a MySpace account, but I'm not sure. If, and when, I get that up and running, I will post on here for those of you whom it may concern what that address would be !

In the news:

I've been busy with the new job, just finished training, and yea, been excitingly busy at work. I've met the man of my dreams, and we have been going out for just overa month now I think. It's been pretty crazy, but wonderful all at once.

Yea, when I have more time and focus I will update some more on the particulars and details.

I love Sundays.

I just realised something, I will never have to work on a Sunday ever again. Furthermore, I am promising myself that I will never work at a job on a Sunday for the rest of my life, its exciting !

I'm doing laundry, washing regular clothes and getting my dress shirts pressed for tommorrow. I love the simple pleasures of life so much. I just make myself some coffee an hour ago and have been watching a 'What Not to Wear' marathon on TLC.

I had an awesome weekend, and I'm getting my first paycheque on Friday from the bank ! They have an online system, so I can see what my paycheque will be beforehand, which I must say is rather useful. It's the largest paycheque I have ever gotten, and it is exciting. I'm really happy right now, even though there is no significant other in my life right now, I feel fine about it. I do not need someone else to make me fabulous ! My job is great, and it has career posibilities, school starts soon, and I'm excited for it.

I'm starting to feel what I can only describe as 'comfortable in my own skin'. It feels great. It helps that I probably found the most perfect place in the whole world for me to move into when I decide to move out.

One of my co-trainees at the Main Branch in Victoria lives just across the water in a nice part of Esquimalt, in a house built in the 1920's. It's gorgeously bohemian. There is a huge egg painted on one wall of the gigantic kitchen and the firplace is a huge, with brightly painted walls. It has all original hardwood floors and is on a large lot. It also technically has three bedrooms, but right now its her and her friend living there. The third bedroom (hopefully mine in the future) is actually a redone part of the attic, it overlooks the street through these funky old shuttered windows, and has a slanted ceiling, which I love. You get to the room via this narrow, steep staircase, but that is the only downside. The room is quite small, but the closet is HUGE, which is good for me. I love the livingroom too, which they said I could add me desk to, and make part of it into a study for me.

Now, for the best part. The house is owned by her parents, and they do not have a mortgage on it, so they pay rediculously cheap rent, $800 total for the entire place. If I moved in, they would charge me $200, and each pay $300 themselves, because I'm getting the smallest room, and because it's in the attic. I cannot believe how cheap that is. Its not uncommon to pay $600+ for a semi-decent bachelor studio appartment here, and this is a room in a huge funky old house with hardwood floors that is a 10 minute bus ride from downtown. They are also not 'looking' for a roomate, so the room is pretty much mine whenever I decide to move out, since I have no competition for it.

I think I know where I am going to move into come January.

It's a rainy Sunday, the best kind, and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

Today's Wisdom

When life gives you lemons,
bust out the salt and tequila !

You see these shackles baby ? I'm your slave...

So, it's official. I like Justin Timberlakes' new song "SexyBack".

It's honestly the first song of his that I have liked, and it makes me respect him. I mean, look how much he has changed ! When your listening to it, its hard to imagine that he was part of N Sync.

The song is so original, with a good beat, and hot lyrics, it just really impresses me. It's hard to find an artist out there that is willing to rethink they're styles, adventure into new areas and reinvent themselves. That is what separates any artist from a classic. Classics have adapted themselves to the trends, sometimes setting them, and are always original and never afraid to reinvent themselves when they wish.

That, coincidently, is also what I so respect about Madonna. She has existed for three decades, and in each one she was a hit, with original music and a creative style. She not only adapted, but set trends. It says a lot about the true talent that someone can do that.

If Justin can keep it up, I can see myself remaining a fan.

And for those of you who have not heard SexyBack, go download it ...
*cough* I mean, buy it legally !!

RE-re-rethinking.

Ok, so maybe I think too much.

I was extremely high and drunk last night. It was good because sometimes you think of the most simple, yet probable, answers to questions. It took me only 2 minutes of thinking to realise that maybe I have been too harsh on Nathan. I mean, he just started a new job, which deals with some pretty sketchy people. He is getting up early almost every morning, working in a pretty hot office, and then his schedule means we almost never have time off together at the same time. So, I mean, its kinda understandable that he is just having a hard time wanting to actually go out when he has the time to sleep.

Then he called me at 11:30p last night, and put more fuel on the fire. Sonya, Deyth, and I were at a pizza place after Luminara, and before clubbing. He calls to say goodnight, and says he is just walking home. I ask him where he was waling from. He went out to the gay bar with his 'friend' for about an hour. Didn't really bother to tell me he was out, so you know, we could actually hang out or anything. I said he should stop by the pizza place, cause its along he walk home. He was already past it. It was rather coincidental that he forgot to call me until he was already home, and there was no chance of us seeing one another because he had to go to bed for work the next morning. I mean, if that isn't a sign that he doesn't want to see me, then what is ??

I'm fairly certain I hung up on him as he was saying goodnight to me. I mean, I really don't want to listen to any more of your shit, so why should I ? He can call and talk when he decides to be upfront, truthful, and honest with both himself and I.

Now, I am REALLY happy and impressed with myself. Because, right after I hung up on him, I went out and had a really great time with some old friends and never thought once about it ! I enjoyed myself and last night, and no one is going to ruin that !

Fuck.

I am such a cauldron of emotions right now, It's insane.

I got my hair done today, and it looks great now after we coloured it three times. My scalp is shot to hell though. It hurts a lot, and apparently it may scab, but no pain, no gain !

I'm mad about Nathan, surprise. I'm not mad at him, but at myself. I'm just so confused right now. I called him today and asked if he wanted to go out tonight to Luminara with some friends. He told me that he had a guy friend over from Vancouver, and that they didn't know what they are doing, but that he didn't think we should all hang out. I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone else and that he isn't interested in me anymore. Which is fine, just fucking tell me that straight up. I'm so sick of all this shit. There are a couple guys that I'm kinda wanting to date right now that are either moving here soon, or are here now. I'm totally going on a date with one of them tommorrow, and Nathan can call me when he wants to finally talk to me.

I'm going to go out tonight to Luminara and having fun with friends. Luminara is this outdoor lantern festival in Beacon Hill Park at night. Its really warm here right now, so it will be the perfect night for it !

At Work

I'm at work right now, and I'm in a conference call doing training. It is amazingly boring right now. One of the girls has this technical issue so we all have to wait and do nothing while the co-ordinator tries to fix the problem. What ever happened to the days of actual in-class meetings and facilitations for learning !? I mean, we are all a classroom, but half of us are on the mainland, and half of us are on the island. It's kinda cool and creepy that I am training with people that I have never met before and may never meet again.

This is also a new training program that I am doing, so it may just be that this program is new and therefore they need to work out the bugs, and such. It's kinda exciting how cool the funky tools we get to use are, but every once in a while I wish I could actually just use a whiteboard and pen.

Feist and Erika !

Feist actually came to little Victoria ! I went with a friend of mine (Deylth), and we were amazed. She is actually better live than any of her recordings. She plays with the songs and sang them a little different each time. I love her, she just has this bohemian air about her. All of Centenial Square, where she performed, reeked of weed, haha.



After the concert, some friends and I all went to Canoe Club. Along the way, Deyth and I decided we wanted some weed. She decides to then go up to every native or skater person she sees along the way and ask them for weed. This is apparently a very good tactic, because the third person she asked sold us some ! The best part was how she approached them. She would literally say 'excuse me sir, but I was wondering if you happen to have any marijuana we could purchase'. I was laughing so hard !

Anyways, so we then realised that we need rolling papers, so also along our walk, we notice some guys smoking on a balcony along the street. She stops, and in her most flirtatious way, asks them for some. They actually gave us some, but only after some intense flirting on her part. I am so jealous of how women can get whatever they want that way. grr.


Anyways, so we drank at Canoe Club, went to the side and smoked it, and just hung out until about midnight. At this point the two girls decided they really want to go to the gay bar. So, despite my intense disagreement, they dragged me to the gay bar. It's such a sleeze hole. Anyways, so we went there, and guess who I met !?

My trainer from the Bank !! He was out with his boyfriend, it was awesome, we all hung out for a bit. I tried to convince Nathan to come out with us, but he refused, cause he had to work saturday morning at like 8am. Then, later, his roomate comes in and tells me how Nathan stayed up till 1am with him drinking tequila anyways. I was very mad.

Things are better now, but I think that something is up with Nathan. He just seems really tired, and yesterday he wouldn't let me come over for 30 minutes because he had 'plans'. I just thought it was weird, cause he was at home. I mean, what plans did he have ?! argh, whatever.

I'm talking to my friend Erika who has been living just outside Amsterdam as an Au Pair nanny for the past year. She is coming back in a month, and I am SO exicted. She's telling me about how she orders a joint with her coffee in the morning at this coffeeshop run by two old ladies on the way to school to learn dutch. I miss Erika SO MUCH ! She was my wild evil side during my first year, then she went and left me ! So tragic...

But she's coming baaacck soon ! Muwahaha. Here are some pic of her in the Netherlands :

I Heart Club Monaco

My pants from Club Monaco, one of my favourite stores ever, arrived in the mail today. There are two pair, both are a lovely thin, silky wool. One pair is black with an off-white pinstripe, the other is a subtle grey pattern. They are hot.

In case you don't know, the story behind me getting pants Fedex-ed to me starts last Sunday. I was shopping downtown for all the essential clothing requirements of my first week, to ensure I look as hot as possible at work. I bought a pair of Aldo shoes, with the help of Nathan, for 50% off (love employee discount). A gorgeous Matinique thin black silk tie, blue pinstripe shirt, and a pair of fabulous dark cream Club Monaco dress pants. While I was there, I fell in love with the two pairs of thin wool pants described above. They were on sale to boot, for $49 (instead of the original $129). Best sale ever ! They were out of my waist size (31), and the other ones simply would not work. The manager was fabulous and actually called around for almost an hour to find a store in western Canada that had the two pairs I wanted. He eventually found a store in Edmonton, of all places, that had them. For a small charge of $6 a pant, they were Fedex-ed to my house, and charged directly onto my Visa card.

I was so impressed that the manager recognised that I spend a lot of money (easily thousands a year) and time in that store, and went the extra mile for me. Anyone out there who does not frequently go to Club Monaco should ! I will definately be recommending them as much as I can.

They are so wonderful and fabulous, and I got two for less than the original price of one pair, I cannot wait to wear them to RBC tommorrow. Speaking of which, the bank training is going wonderfully. I am treated so well there, its amazing. It's completely overwhelming, and I am simply amazed by how much these people need to know. I cannot wait until tommorrow though. Despite how hard it all is, and how overwhelmed I feel, I am excited to go to work everyday, and that is priceless.

Lots to tell

Ok, so I've have had the best week in a long time.

Drama occured on Sunday night. It was good, bad, ugly and beautiful. Long story short, Dan disappeared, I ran around looking like a fool for him, found him doing lines of coke in a sketchy alleyway with his roomie. I was his ride home though, so even though I was mad I stayed and danced with them back at the club we were at. Even though everyone I knew was at another place (except Charlie). While I'm dancing right near him, he goes and starts grinding with this guy, then they start making out. I flipped. I mean, we were not even really dating, but I was out with him, and I was overlooking his apparent drug issues to give him a ride home, and he goes off with this slut !

I just walked away, like Kelly Clarkson says. I went to Prism Lounge, where the people I knew were, and just vented. I was a very angry, upset, sad, drunk. (apparently after I left Dan, Charlie punched him :D )

At Prism, I met Nathan. He's roomates with a guy named Lanny who I hung out with a bit, but didn't really turn out to be my type. They have a big appartment of gay love, and drama. Jeremy, the source of the drama, just moved out and took all the furniture with him, but thats another story. Anyways, so yeah, I've always had a bit of a crush on Nathan, he is SO hot. We started talking about how gay men in this town suck and how much they are players. At this point I have almost all my gay male friends telling me how Dan has a reputation, and how sketchy he is, even Nathan told me he was warned about him. Sigh, could have used the gossip earlier, but alas, it was a learning.

Anyways, so I went to Nathan's that night. Me and four guys all hung out in a bed, smoking pot, and ranting about life. I cuddled and made out with Nathan until the sun actually started coming up.

In the five days since Sunday, I've slept over every one except Tuesday. I don't know what to think, but I've never been like this with a guy before, EVER. We have not only clicked right away, but we've been really honest with one another. He is so sweet. I am almost dumbfounded by how this is progressing. I especially love how I'm just letting it go however it wants, let it flow and see where we go.

Yeah, thats been my week in a nutshell. There has been some work related stuff, but that is also another post. ;)

Stella in the shower.

... is the best thing EVER after work. Today at work sucked big time. I'm not talking about it.

I've gone out a LOT with Dan now. He rocks. I'm kinda drunk a little right now. Oh yea, and its pride. i'm too lazt to type more about whats been going on, but I am going to tommorrow, so yeah.

thats all ! I'm going out tonight, WEEee 1

This can't possibly be happening...

Well, I don't even know where to begin.

I had a date last night. An internet date. Sigh. Well, I left my house half expecting to get there and he be ugly, annoying, or possibly socially retarded. It was a coffee and a walk date, so there were no expectations and there would be many opportunities for me to leave early if necessary.

I arrive and spot the black truck that I know he drives immediately. And yes, I think driving a truck is hot. Anyways, so I walk towards the Moka House in the Cook St. area which is where we are meeting. The area is gorgeous and very much the gay part of town. Neither of us live anywhere near it, but it kinda feels like the best place to meet. I call him to see which person on the patio picks up they're ringing cell, and no one does. I start going inside and see him waiting at the counter for his coffee.

I was stunned for a couple seconds, which is rare for me. I wouldn't have been stunned if he had been butt ugly or 60 or cross-eyed. What stunned me was how cute this guy was. I was literally overwhelmed.

I said hi, and he said hi, and we picked up our coffees and started to walk towards the beach. On our way I saw Charlie parking his bike to go in and enjoy his ritual evening caffeine. We chat for a bit and he tries to mouth me something, but I couldn't understand. It seemed like a warning, but I couldn't tell.

We walk to the beach, which turns out is bloody freezing and horribly windy. Plan B, we both drive our individual vehicles downtown and go to a place named The Mint. Its a dark, foreboding, mysterious place, that is literally in the basement of a seedy area of town. When you get there though, it is the most amazing food ever, and awesome drinks. The place has an atmosphere of worldliness, and the patrons tend to be the most interesting folks, I've even heard of celebrities being spotted there when they are in town.

Anyways, so we talk over wicked mojitos. He works for the town of Sooke, which is one of Victoria's suburbs. He's in charge of recreational planning for the entire district and organising major recreational activities. He's going back to school though in September, because though he has this great job at the age of 22, he feels that he has reached the ceiling of that career.

We admire the artwork next to our table that has two metal deer procreating on a glass sheet thing, and talk some more. We split the bill and then, on a whim, he buys a bottle of wine and we go up to the top of Mt. Douglas.

We must have sat there and chatted and drank for about an hour, it was a lot of fun. We were talking about how we both never expected to find anyone mildly interesting online, when he suddenly just pulled me towards him and we kissed. I was expecting a horrible kiss, I mean something has to be wrong with him ??

But no, his kissing skills are amazing, and he really knows what he is doing. Its a good mix of changing positions and slow, continuous action, without being ravenously tongue-hyperactive or boring. Then, to seal the deal, when we stopped and were looking at one another, he said how good of a kisser I am. That did it for me, he complimented me, and he was good at it himself.


Then, for another hilarious turn of events, we decided to go back to his truck, and he was going to drop me off at my car, but neither of us wanted to go home yet. I then had the brilliant idea of us going to the gay bar, where it would definately be warm and fun, lol.

It turned out to be drag queen bingo night. And let me tell you, we were the hottest people in the bar for the entire night. I hot quite a hoot out of how many old, drunk gay men were yelling at the queens to call better numbers. It made my night. We saw two mutual aquaintences and sat with them during bingo.

Besides me having to stop a possible fight between him and a lesbian over the pool table, it was rather uneventful. We just mostly made out and drank the rest of the night. We ended up leaving at about 2:15am, when we proceeded to make out even more against his truck outside. We talked about how it was such an amazing date, and how we would both love for me to come over to his place, but that it would be best if I didn't.

I was glad we agreed on that, although, I must say it was a hard decision to make. A good one, but a hard one. I walked a block over to my car after he left, and as I was driving home, I received a text message. All it said was 'trouble'.

I knew exactly what he meant, we were both trouble for one another. We had really hit it off on the first date, moreso than I think I ever have. We might be hanging out again tonight. I even invited him to "The Devil Wears Prada" movie night with all my friends. And he wasn't even scared or intimidated by the idea of meeting 6 of my best girlfriends all at once. So, thats this Saturday. I can hardly wait.

It's Done.

I did it, I gave my notice to Starbucks, and it went fairly well.

I just went in and ordered an iced coffee and a pound of coffee. Then, after I was rang through I went into the backroom and approached our manager. I gave her my letter of resignation, and she asked what it was as she opened the envelope. I told her it was my notice, and she half-jokingly said 'Nooo!'. I could tell she was getting upset, so I just said that I won't be on the new schedule she is doing and that I hope she has a good day and enjoys the vacation she is leaving for tommorrow.

I feel bad telling her the day before she goes on a three week vacation, but thats not my fault. I know she is taking it at a bad time, but what can I do ?

The good side is that I don't have to see her ever again as her employee, because by the time she gets back, my last day would have passed and I will be at RBC.

I hope that all the current staff who are competant and awesome to work with understand. It was a decision I had to make, and I do not regret, but one that I feel bad for doing. I leave with no bad feelings or negative wishes against them, so hopefully they will return the favour.

Plus, I'm free !

FREEEDOM !

I'm done !

I just did my final today ! I'm free !

And I've had almost two jugs of beer and I work in less than an hour ! WOOT !

I'm sure I will have more to post later...

:D

Long Distance ?

Why is it that things are always so close to perfection, without actually being ?

I've met a guy who lives in Vancouver. I must admit I'm a little smitten. He is really sweet and endearing. I just am left wondering why I am teased so badly by the universe ? I mean, he seems perfect, and even if he is not, there are some others, not many tho. In anyway, they are ALL in Vancouver. I'm sure if I lived there I could meet a perfect guy, and fall in love, but what if I do anyways ?

I guess I just never saw myself ever doing the whole long-distance thing, but what if I meet the right guy, does distance automatically dismiss Mr. Right ? I would hate the commuting, and the poor communication, but I can also see how it would make the relationship more intense when you do see one another.

The cheating thing is another worry, I've been burned before, and that was when we lived in the SAME city ! Would the distance just make it easier for that to be an issue ?

Oh, I just dont't know. It's not like this a relationship now anyways. We've not even met in real yet. But should we ? Will we just be setting ourselves up for disaster ??

Or could we hit it off, and make it work... ?

(this song speaks to me, I love the Scissor Sisters)

Music is the Victim - Scissor Sisters

I left my heart in San Fransisco
It's at some motherfucking disco
The people there where dancin' on it
And that's including Ms. Matronic

Hell if music is the victim then so am I
Of lovin' and a cheatin' the snake gon' bite
I beg and I scream and I cuss and I cry
If music is the victim then so am I

Of your bad fun
Money's all gone but you need some
Lover's on the phone but they got none
Daddy ain't home from the dog run
And you're running through the city with a shotgun

I left my bag in Pasadena
Where all them girls was doin' Tina
Them bitches sure were crunked up on it
I said I'd rather smoke som chronic

Hell if music is the victim then so am I
Of lovin' and a cheatin' the snake gon' bite
I beg and I scream and I cuss and I cry
If music is the victim then so am I

Of your bad fun
Money's all gone but you need some
Lover's on the phone but they got none
Daddy ain't home from the dog run
And you're running through the city with a shotgun

I left my man in Houston Texas
Just before he finished breakfast
He said; oh baby fry some more eggs
But I was runnin' on my own two legs

Hell if Jesus had the power than so do I
To rise up from the dead and take up to the sky
I'm buskin' for the money so I get by
If music is the victim then so am I

So thats what boys are good for !

Today I finally bought new razor blades. I've been needing new ones for about three weeks now, the soft-geanti-irritation strip is all worn off, and its getting dull. So, yesterday I figured if I threw away the one I was using, it would finalyl force me to buy more. I forgot, and this morning I needed to shave. So, sadly, I dug in the garbage, took the old razor blade and cleaned it with boiling water, to sanitise, and used it one final time.

I remembered to get more today after school. I went to London Drugs and bought a pack of 8 and was happy. Upon returning to Sidney, I realised I had bought the wrong kind and that they didn't even fit my razor, CRAP ! There is no London Drugs anywhere near where I live. not only that, but I didn't get my receipt. I was screwed. So, in desperation, I went to the nearest drug store, Pharmasave, and went to buy another package. Low and behold, a guy that I went on a date with was working. Thank the gods ! He's totally cute, but not out of the closet fully, so its kinda annoying. In any case, when I told him that I had bought this package a couple days ago from them (white lie) and that I had no receipt and no proof, he stopped what he was doing with a ladder to help me. He got down, walked me over to the tills, opened up one just for me, so I skipped a line of about 5 people at the only one open. He rang me in the ones I needed and they turned out to be on sale for cheaper, he gave me the sale price, and refunded my credit card the difference. He was such a huge sweetheart, we chatted for a bit, as he completely ignored the other customers in line, and made sure to convince me to take my receipt this time. I even caught him checking my ass out as I left, hehe.

I will most definately give him a call later, and a second date if he wants to, which I'm sure he does. It most certainly pays to know boys, it turns out they are good for something !

Damn Boys !

I have a final in five days, and I've done almost no studying. I have a big date on Tuesday. I'm copying Steph and going out for dinner with a guy from further up the island and then to the movie 'Nacho Libre' and then for a walk/drive. He has a hot new Jetta, so the drive was a necessity.

I've become really enamoured with a couple boys right now, and I can't focus on studying. I need to just take a quick break from them all, and do this exam. I really want to have a boyfriend by the end of the summer, but we will see if it happens. Its my personal goal, so yeah, I hope....


UPDATE:

yeah, I give up. He called today to say that he has to work tommorrow suddenly. He is an addictions counsellor at a local drug recovery centre called Edgewood. I'm really quite mad, not necessarily at him, although he gets some of it, but more at just fate. Fine, if the universe doesn't want anything to ever work out for me in the way of dating, then I won't even try. I mean, so far I have wasted a huge chunk of my time on it, and I've literally gotten no benefit at all.

Fate is a concept that has existed since the beginning of humanity. The idea that our lives are guided by some overwhelming purpose or plan. So if such a plan exists, doesn't it defeat the idea of trying to acheive something. I mean, if fate is all powerful, then whats the point in trying ? Or, do we, by trying, fulfill our own fates ?

Whatever the answer, I know one thing, I'm sick of all this. Sick of settling for mediocre, sick of being disappointed on the first date and wasting money and time on it, sick of all the crap and work of matchmaking. If fate exists, then either it doesn't want me to have a relationship, or it wants to make me work hard for it. Either way, fuck fate. I'm fine on my own, and so shall I remain, for eternity.

New Favourite Song

This song rocks, and everybody has to watch the music video. I uploaded it from my computer, which I must say Google Video has made it amazingly easy to do, and I can't believe I was the first one to upload it onto there. So now I can share it with the entire world, Muwahahah !




P.S. Don't you think the DJ's are both amazingly hot !? Especially the black one.... rherrr.

P.P.S. The song is called Waterman by Olav Basoski.

Top Shop here I come ?

Ok, so ask anyone that knows me, I change my life plans a lot. But, this time, I think its my true inner self is expressing its desires.

You see, I've always been very fashion-conscious. I have even watched runway shows online when I couldn't find a channel showing my favourite designer's line (I'm particularly fond of Miu Miu and DSquared).

Anyways, so tonight I was watching the season finale of Sky One's Project Catwalk. I simply loved the line that the girl that won designed. However, she was not my choice, the third-runner-up was my favourite. She used the most amazing fabrics and was totally over-the-top with her colars and emphasizing details to the extreme. It was while I was critiquing them that I realised that fashion is my love. I am currently reading "The Devil Wears Prada" for the third time, so that it is fresh in my mind for when the movie premiers the end of this month. I just bought a Gucci belt over eBay for a fabulous price, and it simply made my week. I have the best taste and style,... my mom says I inherited her 'painfully expensive' taste.

Nothing in the world would make me happier than the idea of working with fashion and design for the rest of my life. I don't know in what capacity, but I know that is what I want to do. And that is worth listening to, right ? Or am I crazy ... ?

One thing is for sure, I am doing a degree in Economics right now, and that has nothing to do with fashion. I'm halfway through my degree though, so it seems dumb to quit now.

I seriously am considering the possibilities. I don't necessarily have to be a designer, I could open a store and hire a designer for the line, or buy from other designers, but I dunno. I really like the creativity of design. I think the point is that I am an amazingly creative person, and there is literally no creativity in Economics, its just math. I'm good at math, but its not that interesting.

Have the last two years been a complete waste of my time, money ($10,000 of it !) and efforts ?!?!

ARgh, I feel like I am at an impass right now, and I feel the pressure to make the right decision. Maybe I will just complete my degree and save up money working in banking to one day open my store or line, or maybe I'll go to design school after UVic, or maybe I'll just drop out and try design and fail and be a loser....

I fear failure SO much. I want to be successful, and so I base all my decisions on the possibility of success. It's soo many unknowns.... I just don't know.