Late Night Pondering

My life is brilliant,
My love is pure,
I saw an angel,
of that I'm sure... WAIT !

I just realised, while listening to James Blunt, that I have never been in love. I mean, I have dated, and had relationships with men, but I've never been in love. The sort of love that grabs you, and makes you do stupid things, never experienced it. Makes it kinda hard to listen to love songs without thinking your missing out somehow.

So, I got a 'wink' from someone on Hi5, one of the websites I have a profile on. He's cute, so I sent one back with my messenger address, but I don't expect much. I've kind of become anti-love. It's not that I don't wish for it, but I think I secretly don't want it. I mean, it will just distract from my work and school, and take up precious time, right ? lame argument, I know.

Perhaps this is just yet another defense mechanism I have. I never knew what a real loving relationship was, the only ones I ever experienced through my parental units were disfunctional at best. My mom'd first husband, my dad, died in an accident, and then her second husband was physically abusive, and then my current stepdad is an emotional wreck. He loves her, but there are so many cultural issues and mental health issues with him that it interferes. Hence, they have been seperated since we moved back to Canada, almost five years ago. He still lives in Dubai, because he is from there. I think they never got a formal divorce because some part of my mom still loves him, dispite the majority of her soul that hates his guts. I never liked him. We never got along, and we never will. I sometimes blame myself for their break-up, because I was so very honest about how I didn't like him. Then again, maybe I was just symptomatic of their realtionship. The last two years before we moved back, they didn't even sleep in the same house. He lived in the guest house, we lived in the main villa. So, clearly it was more than just me, right?

I miss our lifestyle when they were together, thats for sure. I'm pretty sure thats why they stayed together as long as they did, that and for my little brother. He didn't really care that much about me, because I wasn't his blood son, but my brother is. International marriages suck, because he is in another country, especially one that is so patriarchal, we will never get any sort of child support. It will be a big victory if we get full custody of my brother, you know, the son he has had no contact with for five years. Makes me mad beyond all human belief.

I think this is why I am so afraid of love. I'm not sure I even believe in it. Maybe love is just a mix of bad hormones and pheremones that make you think you love the other person. A leftover from the days that we needed them to ensure procreation and survival. It certainly can mess up a life. If it hadn't of been for falling in love and getting married, my mom would have had a great TV career, since she was the first female (and first white) TV news anchor in the Middle East. She would have finished her master's degree decades ago, instead of finishing it this summer. It's impossible to tell how our lives would be different, but I imagine they would be better.

Then again, I wouldn't have the great little brother I have. He would have never of been born had it not been for her falling in love...

If love does exist out there, pretty sure I'm subconsciously avoiding it. Life is just so much simpler without those sorts of interuptions. Who needs the headache ?

[I can't believe I just talked that much about my personal feelings and family history, I've been sitting here debating whether to publish this post, or delete it for almost 10 minutes now.]