Lost and Found

I found a DVD that I had bought about a month ago online. It's the most romantic movie I have ever seen, and its amazing for just its storyline. I had originally bought it to give to Cody along with some other things when I went to visit him in Montreal.

That trip is no longer happening and I'm not quite sure what to do with the movie. I still think it is a great movie, but I don't know how I feel about it anymore. It made me think of him when I first watched it, and I can't bring myself to watch it now that I own it. Perhaps one day I will watch it. Until then it shall stay in its clear plastic wrap.

Thats it, just a story about a movie.

grandma rocks the house

I went out last night to a fabulous drag show at Lucky bar, so much freaking fun ! It stared Juwanna Millionair, a drag queen I've hung out with at some parties in the past, she is soo funny. It was actually amazingly well choreographed. Branden, a friend of mine, was in it. So funny, I cannot overstate that.

I went as a granny ready for bed, it was awesome. I had this HUGE grey curly wig with a big flannel nighty, and these huge ready glasses, and then my big comfy outdoor slippers. The nighty exposed half of my legs, which were hairy, and I hadn't shaved my face in a couple days, which made it all that much more hilarious. It was definately hilarious.

My friend Julian went as a Calvin Klein model, essentially meaning he just wore his Calvin Klein underwear, and then I threw glitter all over him. Literally threw it at him. We then stuffed about three socks down his underwear, and it ws soo freaking funny. The funniest part was that it got down to zero celcius last night, he was very cold, but we weren't outside very much so it was all good. The negative is that there is glitter all over where he was in my car, haha !

My other friend Delyth then went as a Christmas present. She wore a huge wrapped box and with a big bow on her head and then her christmas pjs underneath. She used up the rest of the flitter, cause it was fun.

I especially loved how I was the most un-sexy of all of them. It was rather amusing actually. I had a couple of comments, however I did find that people avoid you when you are obviously cross-dressed. An interesting fact that I had never experience considering I've never cross-dressed before.

Overall, it was a damn fabulous night. Now I'm debating wether or not to wear that costume to work tommorrow. The ladies at work think it will be fine, but I'm not so sure I wanna cross-dress at a bank. Especially dressing as a granny when its a town full of old ladies. As much as I want to make fun of them, and I secretly harbour a lot of hatred towards them, it seems a little inappropriate.

Sunday Morning.

I'm up at this ungodly hour, so I figure I might as well rant on here a bit and then start my lazy day.

I woke up wonderfully this morning, despite the fact that I went to bed at 3:30am and woke at 7:30. I thought it was 8:30. My friend from Vancouver slept over, so we had to get up for him to catch the ferry, but we forgot the time change, so we ended up just having some breakfast and coffee and being up way too early. My mom is coming back from Vancouver today also, she and my brother were there visiting for this weekend.

Trevor (friend from Vancouver) and Amelia and I went to Earls for dinner last night, and then walked through Ross Bay cemetary. Its the oldest one in western North America apparently, so it was cool, especially considering none of us had a flashlight. They were very fond of large tomb structures back then, and so it was intensely creepy walking around these huge tombs in pitch black night with no light. Then we went back to her dorm at UVic and watched a movie with other people, and just lounged about. It was a good night, it was nice and low-key but still fun.

I am in such a restful, good mood today despite the lack of sleep. I guess I just needed a night like last night. I think I am going to read some of my textbooks, do laundry and possibly nap this afternoon. You know, the usual Sunday things to do.

Cody is possibly coming back sooner than I had thought from Montreal. I'm excited in a way. I think that it might be better for him to stay there, but I also think it would be better for his soul for him to come back and rest here. He seems drained and exhausted to me, and it helps to rest and revitalise in a familiar environment. I also am excited that I may get to see him sooner than I thought, but I am trying to not get too excited about that, since I don't know if he is coming back. Even if he does, it might be a while before it works out that I can see him anyways.

Its been an emotionally exhausting week, I'm looking forward to today and its rest. I cannot wait for the long weekend in two weeks. Oop, laundry just buzzed. I shall be going now.

Cirque Du Soleil ?

I should join them. I just broke into my own house through my second storey window. Long story short I left my keys at home when I went to work, and my mom left on the ferry to Vancouver just before I got home. We do not keep a spare key hidden, for safety reasons, and none of our neighbours have one either. The only people that do, my aunt and uncle that I detest were unreachable. Long storey short, with the help of my neighbour's ladder, and my surprising ability of overcome my fear of heights, I opened and crawled in through my own second floor window. Thank the gods I never lock it. The ladder was so sketchy too, I had to stand on the top rung just to barely reach the window. Not very safe procedure, but it worked.

And therefore I should be in Cirque Du Soleil or a professional house burgler.

I also went on a date tonight, it was fun, nice guy. He is sweet but not my type. I originally was suppose to have a date with a guy in Law School at UVic tonight, but he cancelled. Yet oddly enough, another guy emailed me asking if I wanted to go to a movie. He was nice, and I think a good friend possibly, but nothing more. I just don't see him that way.

I'm going out tommorrow night to a house party, should be fun. Its not a raging one, a small get-together really. Then we plan on possibly going to this costume contest, although I am definately not entering it, haha. This plan is the idea of another guy, he's someone I've known for a while, actually a long while. He is sweet and ever so cute, mostly in how he is always so charming to me. We just alwasy flirt and thats it (cause we'rejust friends), but right now that sort of attention would be kinda nice. I don't want anything more anyways.

Crap, its late. I have to be up in 6.5 hours. I don't even know why I'm up.

Wah-Bam.

Bear with me. I am trying to talk about my emotions and my life here while omitting certain details to protect a friend and respect an agreement.

I got some shocking news this morning, more of a shock to someone else than to me, but something that they have been dealing with for the past 3 days and let me know about today. I got it while at work, but I handled myself well. Only a couple people asked if something was the matter, and I told them "yes, but I cannot say what".

I have an emotional conundrum right now. I am hurt about something that happened, and thinking about it makes me verge on tears, and angers me all at once. At the same time, I knew that the event would happen eventually, I just didn't think so soon, or so suddenly, so I had less time to prepare.

Then, the disturbing news makes my anger and tears disappear and my concern come out. I still feel the anger and the upset, but the concern and worry takes over so that I feel more that I wish well and have hope, but at the same time there is underlying upsetness.

There are dark emotions looming too. Emotions that make me hate myself. I used to be suicidal at one point in my life, many years ago, before I moved to this country. I had tried to commit suicide, but I don't think my whole heart was in the attempt, and I had just fell very ill for a couple days instead. Now I feel familiar emotions from all those many years ago coming back, almost like old friends. They aren't brought by any one particular event in my life, but rather by the greater atmosphere present now in me.

All this, and talking about all this makes me feel very selfish. This emotional cloud has existed for many weeks now, and is really nothing all that new. I need to be there for someone right now, and I need to be supportive. I feel soo guilty for having my own emotional and mental issues when I know there is someone out there that needs me more than I need myself right now.

I wish them well, I really do. There are mixed feelings yes, but there is also love and hope beneath it all. Deep down in my heart I feel that it will be alright, and that this will work out to a positive conclusion.

I have remained vague, while still being as descriptive of myself as possible given the situation. I cannot reveal details or any more information, so do not ask.

All I know is that my mom was talking to me yesterday about how I perhaps needed to do some emotional growth, and some spiritual enlightenment. She feels that I need to discover myself more, and start to think about my spiritual path and purpose here on this planet. As a symbolic move, I spent all of last night cleaning out my closet, getting rid of literally hundreds of items of clothing I no longer wear. They are no longer a part of me. I then gave them away to a charity, and it was healing.

That darkness is there, and I think that is also part of the task for me, but I am learning as I bow to that darkness, accept why it is there, but not give in to it. I will not fight it, but let it become part of my soul, and heal me.

I was given the opportunity to grow more spiritually when I was faced with a decision also last night. I'm sure that I made the right one. To confirm I am on the right path, the universe gave me an even larger task for growth emotionally today. I am doing something that I would have never done this time a year ago, and I feel like it is helping me become a more gracious and comprehensive human being. I don't know where this path leads, but I am on it now.

Hell Yea !

Thank you Scissor Sisters for these words of inspiration when I need them !

Hell if Jesus had the power than so do I
To rise up from the dead and take up to the sky
I'm bustin' for the money so I get by
If music is the victim then so am I

(from Music is the Victim)

OMFG

I love this blog sooo much ! but I'm not sure if he still exists anymore, which makes me sad. The internet and I will cry. Anyways, Check out Spirit Fingers right now !

Do it !

Or else I will haunt you forever !!


FOR EVER !

oh life

Ok, so lots of changes happened in my life in the last 36 hours, one was personal, one was career. The former was a larger event.

Firstly, I went into work today, and I noticed that I was on the schedule as being in the cage (Central Teller responsible for all the actuall cash and business deposits) for three time slots today. The person thats in charge of the cage full-time at our branch had decided to have me as her cover for all her breaks on Mondays and Saturdays from now on. This is an important step, it means that I will be doing a job that is a step above mine as relief from now on. They had already trained me to work in the cage last week, but I had no idea they would put me on as relief/cover this quickly. Apparently she likes me, yay. So not only does it means more responsibility, which looks good to the manager hehe, but it also means I am formally trained for that position and could apply for a posting for that position at any branch if I so desired (its much better paid), which is good to know. Not that I neccessarily would, but its good to know.

Secondly, Cody and I effectively ended it last night. I was rather upset and mad at the time, but now looking back it makes a lot of sense. We never see one another, and we won't see one another for a matter of months still. We are going to get together and hang out when he returns, and then see where it goes. I think that when he returns we will probably remain some sort of friends, I don't really know. I think that when I move to Vancouver things will change, I already know what I intend to do and to propose when I move there, I just need the next couple of months (or more) to make sure that what I am planning is really what I want to do.

Its weird, any other guy until now I would have (and actually have) just dismissed and moved on. I don't stay friends with dated men, I just don't, until now. I can't imagine me never talking to him ever again, and that alone makes me think that maybe there is something there and something possible that is just not meant to be yet. Like I said, I just need the next couple months to make sure I know this in my heart.

Thats about it. I feel bad cancelling the trip to Montreal, especially when I really still want to see the city. However, given where we are, it would be awkward to go, and its most likely best to just wait until he returns.

My Promise

I'm currently in the middle of a fight with Cody over the last blog, mostly because I didn't mention him and he feels that I now longer see him in my life.

The opposite is true, I think about him at least once a day, and so I purposefully avoid talking about him on here cause I know he can read it.

That is over, from now on I promise to talk about everything in my life honestly and maturely and completely. And if he does not like something, then we can discuss it, just like anyone else would with me. Basically, this is now a truly open forum for my thoughts ! Thats my promise to myself !

Hrm.

What is wrong with me ?

Something has made me boring. I don't know, there are so many big changes happening, and I feel like I'm at the brink of some large personal change too.

I feel like I'm emerging from some sort of crysalis, and I think its partly due to the fact that I haven't done that much self discovery yet. I've discovered myself and grown as much as I can while still living at home and not being truly dependant. Thats all about to change.

I didn't go out tonight, even though I had Elaine and Julian both ask me. I had even already had plans with Julian and his bf (such a cute couple), but I don't know. To be honest, I wanted to snuggle with a guy and watch a movie tonight. Of course I can't tell people that, cause then I would seem like an even bigger loser, not that they won't know by reading this.

I'm just lazy and sleepy and lonely right now. I don't even think I know what I want, and thats what makes me almost mad at myself. I don't want to just go out and pick up some guy for fun times, I don't even want to snuggle with some random guy. Then again, I don't want to be celibate, but I honestly don't even want any man over right now.

I don't want to move out, mostly cause I don't want to start paying rent and all that crap. Thats for after I'm done school. Argh. But I want to be independant, and the idea of being on my own excites me so much !

What is wrong with me ?

Cat Piss

Today my prof handed back our marked midterms in class. She calls us out by name, and people walk up to the front and pick theirs up. After all the midterms have been given out I realise that she has not called my name. She then calls me and three others up to the front by name, and I notice our midterms in a separate pile on her little table at the front of the lecture hall.

I thought I was going to piss my pants, I don't think I have been so scared for a very long time. I was mortified that I was being called by name in front of a class of 100 or more people.

She then quietly tells us that the T.A.'s cat sat and pissed on our midterms after she was done marking them, cause they were in a separate pile because she had marked ours first. I was so amazingly relieved, and also greatly amused. She felt so bad, it was hilarious ! Not only did she appoligise profusely, she had photocopied our midterms so we didn't have to handle the nasty originals. THEN, she gave us all starbucks cards to make up for it all. I was soo amused, never before in my University career has something like that happened, it was awesome, and now I have such a hilarious story to tell !

In related news, I got 36/45 on the midterm, which is only a B+, but pretty damn awesome considering the class average was 30/45, and thats a B-.

Perfume

Perfume is the best novel EVER !

I am really ejoying reading it tonight, I am getting so amazingly into the storyline.

That is all, I just wanted to let the world know that.

The Broke Banker

I am so financially screwed. I make all these plans to try and save money, and to put as much away a month as I can afford, and it is never as much as I plan. Sure, I have been able to save SOME money, but mostly I haven't been saving very much at all since last year.

It started when I had to do some work on my car in the summer, it wasn't too expensive, and it was fine considering its the first time ever that my car has needed any work done on it, but that cost money I hadn't planned on spending. THEN I forgot to factor in books for September, and so that cost me about $400 more than I had taken into consideration. Then I had to pay for plane tickets out to Montreal to see Cody, a trip that I'm not even sure I am taking now. I understand that things happen, but it seems like the world is conspiring to prevent me from saving ANY money for when I finally move out in January. That is only just over 2 months away, and I am no closer to having a safety net than I was at the start of the summer. ARGH !

I wish I could figure out some way to control this leaking of money. I think the thing is that it is almost impossible for me to save money because I have such high set costs relative to my income. There really isn't anything I can cut back on spending every month. These unexpected expenses are what is really preventing the saving me thinks.

Oh well, I have the next two months, and hopefully I can save some over that time. I just wish I wasn't a student, and I wish money wasn't so tight.

There, that is my childish rant for the day.

New Hair !

Long story short, do not drink a bottle of wine, some vodka, a bit of gin (from a drag queen) and a couples puffs of weed all in the same night at the same party. Its just bad news. I spent today recovering from that little mistake.

The goods news ! I got my hair did, its soo hot. I apparently will have to buy a air straightener soon, but it needs to grow another couple of inches to be perfect. Here it is, you can imagine what my stylist and I are working towards:

To Sarah from me.

Sarah, a friend of Meghans' that I do not know, made a comment on my last post that made me think. A link to her blog is on the right.

Anyways, she essentially got me thinking about the stuff going on in my life, mostly surrounding Cody. We also had a good talk (Cody and I) last night about where we are and what is going on. We are most definately on a break, and we shall remain as such until he returns to BC. I think it is good for us to be independant for now, seeing as we can barely see one another anyways, so we might as well just be on a 'break'.

I know we should get back together when he returns, it makes me mad that he left in the first place, but I want us to try at it again. I don't know when he is coming back, which only adds to the anger and confusion. However, my coworker said it perfectly when she told me to "stop worrying so much, relax, if its meant to be, then it will be".

Then comes up the issue of the plane ride to Montreal and my planned trip to go there. The issue is slightly monetary in origin, but mostly it is about whether or not it would be awkward for me to visit him while we are 'on a break'. To this she also replied that "you should go there, visit him, see the city. Consider it a vacation, and enjoy it as such. Then, when it is over, you will know whether you still have feelings for this guy, or you have moved on and it can no longer be. Just relax and enjoy it, and discover if your spark is still there at the same time."

I think she is right in both regards. I am suppose to go to Eric's party tonight, and I think I will. We will have fun, but not too much cause I work tommorrow, hehe. I am going to just let go and relax. I'm not going to try and move on from Cody, in fact, I want to maintain contact, but I won't worry so much this way. Then, we can see how it all fits and how it is between us when I go and visit him next month. Life goes on, and so it shall. When the time is right, we shall see if we are right.

Hehe.

I did it !

I stopped the cycle of my dreams. I don't know how, but I did !

I'm going to a party that my friend Eric is throwing tommorrow night, hopefully that will mark the end of this shitty week and the beginning of a better one !

In fact, I know it will. I was so confused, angry, upset and confused, but now I most definately know what I want. I love being me.

Another One

I had another intense dream last night, and like the others (and unusually for me), I still remember it very clearly. I have had one of these dreams each night now, for three nights in a row. I don't know why.

This time My mom had just died, and I was weeping with my face hidden in the corner of a stone wall. It was a dark brown stone, and there were people around, it looked like an ancient temple, with candles and odd inscriptions on the walls.

Her funeral procession started. A woman, whom I did not know, came up to me and told me to join it at the end. I walked with them. I wept the entire time, but I felt very guilty for crying. I felt as though all the people around me were judging me. They were mad at me for being upset. I remember feeling so strongly in emotional pain.

Then I awoke, and I was crying.

Salvated

I came home, and opened iTunes, and it just started at this song. I didn't even know I had it, then I listened to it, and it spoke to me. I've been having weird dreams while this has all been going on. This reminded me clearly of my dream last night. I never remember dreams, but its been playing through my head all day, popping into my head at the most odd moments. I was touring UBC, and looking at the housing, but it was all these gothic rooms with dirt floors in very dank, dark conditions. Then as I walked through it, it slowly turned to take on a medical feel. the guide showed me a room that had apparently belonged to my friend. Then, slowly yet suddenly, there were patients in the rooms, and they were all me, and they were all ill from odd diseases. The guide said to not worry, cause they were to numb to feel their own pain, or to know they were ill. I said it was nice to use drugs to do that, and he said that the mind is the best drug.

when I was a young girl
( Traditional - Texas Gladden )
sang by Feist

When I was a young girl I used to seek pleasure
When I was a young girl I used to drink ale
Out of the ale house down into the jail house
My body's salvated and hell is my doom

Come mama come papa and sit you down by me
Come sit you down by me and pity my case
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body's salvating and hell is my doom

Please send for the preacher to come and pray for me
And send for the doctor to heal all my wounds
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body's salvating and I'm bound to die

One morning one morning one morning in May
I saw this young lady all wrapped in white linen
All wrapped in white linen and called out "the plague"

I don't know

Sometimes things seem like a bad idea, and they do turn out to be mistakes. Sometimes things seem like a bad idea, and they turn out to be good. So, I'm left with the question: Under which category does this choice fall ?

Cody and I are taking 'a break' per sae. We started dating not long before he moved to Montreal, and we have been kinda intense ever since. I think I said it best when I stated that we 'felt like a married couple'. We have downgraded (for lack of a better word) to the status of seeing one another until he comes back from Montreal.

This way neither of us is worried about the other, or feeling like they are highly commited. We are 'open', but only if it happens and the opportunity presents itself, we may sleep with someone else. No other relationships, no other dating, and always safe-sex practices, no question.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. It could be the saving grace we hope it is, and therefore we can almost start anew when he returns, and not jump right in as fast as we did into a relationship. We have been fighting a lot recently, and I think it was because we were fustrated at our commitments to one another, but not reaping any of the benefits of the relationship. I couldn't even snuggle with him for the past 5 weeks.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I just want a snuggle buddy, haha. I don't really feel the need to have sex now that we have agreed it is ok for the next while, but snuggling is definately needed right now. I don't know if that would be appropriate though.

Sigh, I hope this isn't the start of the end of our relationship. Cody had a good point though, this may make us appreciate one another more when we are finally close again, and it may prove to strengthen us. If we don't come out wanting to be together, maybe we weren't meant to be ?

I don't know, too much philosophy at 1:30am. I'm going to bed.

What do you think ? Are we idiots, or have we found a creative solution?

Email to Cody (edited)

I simply had to send you an email before i went to bed. I am SOO rediculously tired, and I do not think you will ever fully understand the vast amounts of energy and effort it is taking to just type right now ! haha !

I went out with Delyth, and my friends Bethany and Richelle and April, it was Bethany's birthday, so we all drank a LOT at her house, and hung out. Julian came too, he was super fun. He is such a good friend, Delyth really liked him too, and it just seems all so fabulous !

We all went dancing, and I freaking danced straight from about 10pm - 1:30am, with only slight breaks for shots. haha, my feet hurt sooo much ! SO MUCH ! my legs are kinda sore too. I made so many random friends tonight too. This lady from Finland ! She was awesome, she was hilarious, and this girl from Nanaimo, OH ! and the coatcheck guy was a hilarious flamer, and knew my friend and so he let us all three in for free ! so awesome. The place was awesome, the music was ok, but the atmosphere was so freaking grand, I just loved it !!! I also made this friend that was a str8 guy named Devon, he was soo funny. Kept on saying how he saw me and Julian in the line and knew we couldnt be str8, ahha ! he was funny, and we all kinda danced together for a bit. He really rocked it on to Billy Jean when it came on. They played this great mix of dance, and electra and pop hits and rock and techno remixes, it was simply fabulous.

Anyways so now I am home, and it is like almost 5am !! oh dear. I should go to bed. I'm really tired and my feet hurts !

You have a good day at work tommorrow ! Love you sweetie and talk to you later ! kisses !

-Matt

Consent

This is the BEST short from youtube EVER. I do not exaggerate people ! watch it.