Wah-Bam.

Bear with me. I am trying to talk about my emotions and my life here while omitting certain details to protect a friend and respect an agreement.

I got some shocking news this morning, more of a shock to someone else than to me, but something that they have been dealing with for the past 3 days and let me know about today. I got it while at work, but I handled myself well. Only a couple people asked if something was the matter, and I told them "yes, but I cannot say what".

I have an emotional conundrum right now. I am hurt about something that happened, and thinking about it makes me verge on tears, and angers me all at once. At the same time, I knew that the event would happen eventually, I just didn't think so soon, or so suddenly, so I had less time to prepare.

Then, the disturbing news makes my anger and tears disappear and my concern come out. I still feel the anger and the upset, but the concern and worry takes over so that I feel more that I wish well and have hope, but at the same time there is underlying upsetness.

There are dark emotions looming too. Emotions that make me hate myself. I used to be suicidal at one point in my life, many years ago, before I moved to this country. I had tried to commit suicide, but I don't think my whole heart was in the attempt, and I had just fell very ill for a couple days instead. Now I feel familiar emotions from all those many years ago coming back, almost like old friends. They aren't brought by any one particular event in my life, but rather by the greater atmosphere present now in me.

All this, and talking about all this makes me feel very selfish. This emotional cloud has existed for many weeks now, and is really nothing all that new. I need to be there for someone right now, and I need to be supportive. I feel soo guilty for having my own emotional and mental issues when I know there is someone out there that needs me more than I need myself right now.

I wish them well, I really do. There are mixed feelings yes, but there is also love and hope beneath it all. Deep down in my heart I feel that it will be alright, and that this will work out to a positive conclusion.

I have remained vague, while still being as descriptive of myself as possible given the situation. I cannot reveal details or any more information, so do not ask.

All I know is that my mom was talking to me yesterday about how I perhaps needed to do some emotional growth, and some spiritual enlightenment. She feels that I need to discover myself more, and start to think about my spiritual path and purpose here on this planet. As a symbolic move, I spent all of last night cleaning out my closet, getting rid of literally hundreds of items of clothing I no longer wear. They are no longer a part of me. I then gave them away to a charity, and it was healing.

That darkness is there, and I think that is also part of the task for me, but I am learning as I bow to that darkness, accept why it is there, but not give in to it. I will not fight it, but let it become part of my soul, and heal me.

I was given the opportunity to grow more spiritually when I was faced with a decision also last night. I'm sure that I made the right one. To confirm I am on the right path, the universe gave me an even larger task for growth emotionally today. I am doing something that I would have never done this time a year ago, and I feel like it is helping me become a more gracious and comprehensive human being. I don't know where this path leads, but I am on it now.