then you think

Well, we all know how much of a pastime thinking is for me. Sometimes I do it too much, sometimes things are so obvious that you overthink them.

I overthought about Cody and I. I know I said I wouldn't, but I did. I was reading all the lack of big gestures, and not noticing the subtle but clear ones.

When I went over last weekend, Cody was still feeling ill from a bad flu he had had. Anyways, it was just his stomach, but he was also kinda tired. I understood this, but I also noticed that he didn't seem as cuddley or as obviously into me as I would expect. You know, the small things like moving towards you on the couch, or the little kisses and such. Anyways, I was so busy noticing the lack of those things that I didn't notice things that I should have.

Cody wanted to paint his room, and asked me what colours he should paint it, I said olive green with a redish brown feature wall. Then I came to visit, and guess what colour the room was, olive green with a red brick feature wall. Exactly what I had said, and I totally meant it as a hypothetical, I thought it was just what I thought, nothing more. He then asked me where to put his furniture and how to arrange it, and he did it exactly as I suggested. Little things like this, lots of them are signs. He picked me up from the ferry, spent his entire day with me doing whatever, and when I wanted to drive 20 minutes to out for coffee in Whiterock, we did it. He even secretly applied for a job here in Victoria, and didn't tell me because he didn't want to get my hopes up.

Hence, I cannot wait for next weekend. I have no more concerns about our relationship and its status. I know that he is a little scared to jump in too fast, cause we have been away for so long, and we had such big fights and things happened. At the same time, I know what he means to me, and I know that it is there. I know that he has to slowly open up to showing it, but that deep down he feels the exact same way, and that he loves me and us just as much as I do.

These things show what I should have realised, and they make me smile.

Dedication, me ?!

I apparently inspired an online friend of mine to start his own blog. We met online a little while ago, and I told him that I wasn't interested in dating, because I'm with Cody right now. He is super nice, and its good to chat with him about my more dorky vices, but I also had to make sure that I was clear about my friendship-only intentions. Anywyays, I just gave him the link to my blog, and he read it and apparently got inspired to read it. I think its cool, but he also dedicated a post to me, which is sweet (Dave). I'm happy I inspired him, I just hope that he understands we are just friends. I really do not want to lead anyone on the wrong way.

Anyways, I don't think I have. I am super happy to have a new blog to read about and comment on though. I have the regular ones I read (Megan, Qatarcat, Steph, etc) but its nice to have something new. I'm also really flattered that someone liked mine enough to start their own !! Anyways, I am off to pack for the weekend and get some schoolwork done.

I actually went to class tonight (yes Cody, I ACTUALLY did :P ) and I am so freaking excited to see him, and hang out with him. I actually contemplated calling in sick to work on Saturday, just so I could have an extra day, but its not a good idea. Especially since our bonuses are being handed out soon, best to look as good as possible right now ! So, no sick days for me. WOO HOO, 2 days till weekend !!

decisions, decisions

It's cold out. Really, Really, freakingly weirdly cold. I know that wasn't a full sentence, but I don't care. It's even suppose to snow up island tonight, in Nanaimo. I personally believe that whomever chooses to live in Nanaimo deserves the worst they can get, but thats just me.

Anyways, so I'm sitting at home, in my warm comfy room, looking out on the cold, stormy and windy night. I don't want to go to my class tonight. I'm suppose to get back my second midterm tonight though, but I still don't want to drive and walk in this cold stormy weather.

Its such a hard decision. I should probably go, but I really don't want to.

I'm talking to my two friends online about my conundrum. One lives in Edmonton, and she has absolutely no sympathy. What a jerk. The other, Julian, lives here, and he actually braved the weather to not only go to class, but to observe ducks earlier today. Apparently he has an animal behaviour class where he has to observe ducks for a project. I personally think he should have worn all plaid with a big fur hat and boots for the full effect, he disagrees. Anyways, he also thinks that it is way to cold and uncivilised outside to leave the house.

I'm thinking that I could just get a note from my doctor explaining how cold it was outside, and how far I have to drive. Therefore, because its so stormy and cold and I live so far from campus, it is dangerous for my health to leave the house. There is a high probability of me either catching a cold or getting in an accident. I think she will buy that. Now I just need to call my doctor tommorrow to get the note. ACTUALLY, my prof probably won't give a crap wether or not I'm there, and so I really do not need a note. I don't know why I ever thought I did. I guess somehow I thought it was an exam. Oh right, I'm getting my exam back tonight. Hrm, I don't want to miss that, but I REALLY don't want to be in the cold.

This is tought, a truly hard decision.

I think I will be more productive at home. Besides the fact that I've wasted a bit of time writing this long, slightly pointless blog entry, I'm generally more productive at home. I could do my laundry, finish my readings, and watch America's Next Top Model. I cannot wait to go to Vancouver this weekend. It's only for a day and a bit, which is annoying, but alas, I have to work.

I have a huge weekend off for Dec 16th, so I will take some extra time off, and hopefully go to visit Cody for a while so we can actually spend a good chunk of time together. It's hard to know where we are going, so I won't try. I'm just gonna go with the flow, and as it stands I like hanging out with him. I'm going to his friend's Alex's birthday party on Saturday night. I'm making sure I look my best for it, mostly cause I'm afraid Alex is more attractive than me. Since I'm an Aries, I simply cannot be outshone, so I'm going to have to look my most fabulous. Plus, it never hurts to let Cody know that I am damn hot, and look hotter than everyone else in the room. I think my main thing is that I cannot settle for being second at anything, second best, second fastest, second hottest, second choice, so I always make sure I beat the competition hands down. Or at least die trying !

I probably don't need to worry, or be that competitive, but its in my blood. I'm really jealous easily, unless I know I have nothing to worry about.

Wow, this post turned into quite the discussion about everything ! Anyways, I'm off to do some reading, screw class.

Treasure Down - Gabriel & Dresden


I love them.

I love this song.

I love the music video.

Watch it.

If I could turn back time....

I went to Vancouver, and spent the last 24 hours with Cody.

It was amazing, there are definately changes, and we are both (moreso him than me) a little wary of being urt and jumping in too fast. However, the important parts: the flutters in the stomach, the impulse to smile just looking at him, essentially the love is definately there. I felt like a giddy schoolgirl walking out of the terminal to see him for the first time in 3 months, and in those seconds I knew that I will do whatever it takes to make us work, or to at least try. I'm fine with travelling there, or him coming here, almost every weekend. The distance sucks, but we can make it work I think. I want to, thats what I know for sure.

Yes, the next paragraph is a little R-rated, and you do not have to read it, but its important. I had to mention it, so if you don't wanna read it, skip it ! If you read it and are disturbed, I don't care, haha.

I had my second ever mind-only orgasm with him this weekend. It has happened to me before, I can actually have the thrill and sensation of orgasm without actually physically ejaculating (its only happened once before though). That happened this weekend, I didn't tell him, but I guess now he will know. Without going into too many details, the vast majority of all the best sexual experiences I have ever had are with Cody. Hehe.

I'm home now, its bittersweet. I cannot wait to see him again next weekend or whenever it works out next. I have the usually happiness to be home and in my own bed and such, but I already kinda miss him. I'm so happy he is back. I'm happy that we are seeing one another, and I'm not going to think about the future and where we are going. What happens, happens. All I know is that he is worth every effort on my part to try and make it work. I hope he feels the same, but even if he doesn't, thats how I will continue to feel.

It takes time, and we have some healing to go through. If I could turn back time, I would definately do things a lot differently on my end, but thats what mistakes are for, to learn from. I think that the last 3 months were a big life lesson for me and him. And with that thought I am off to bed. Silly work tommorrow morning.

More Health for the Hungry

I just got back from the gym, my third visit to the gym this week. I don't really notice ANY difference, and I'm pissed off. I just went and bought multivitamins and some other health pills I need. I don't think I'm getting enough minerals and vitamins everyday, so yea, these will help.

I've also been tanning a bit more than usual, and I'm gonna keep it up; I've been way too pasty for way too long. My ass is flabby, its so annoying. If I wiggle it, it wiggles back. sigh.

I'm going to step it up at the gym, clearly I'm not doing enough. My goals are:

-Loose about 3 inches off my waist, mostly just the fat, and gaining muscle.
-No more wiggly, jelly-like ass.
-Slightly bigger arms.

Pretty much the only part of my body that I'm currently happy with are my legs. I have hot legs. They are a perfect combo of muscle and leanness, so they aren't scary and large, but they are lean and defined. I have even asked my girlfriends what they think, and yea, its my hottest part. I want the rest to match ! haha.

I'm going to yoga every Monday night from now on, and the gym 2-3 times a week, and tanning at least once a week. My freckles are coming back, so that might make up for the uglier bits.

Wish me luck !!

No Ice Cream

I'm doing the insane, trying to become healthier over the holiday season.

I had a huge craving for ice cream, so I went to the grocery store. Then, as I am standing there looking at the rows up rows of sweet, succulant, fabulously rich ice cream, all I can think about is how much fat and calories and sweeteners are in each one. Even the healthy ones have artificial crap and chemicals. So, I walked away from the isle. I just walked away without any ice cream.

Then I came home and tried to satisfy my craving with christmas oranges and tea. So far its been ineffective.

Ask A GAY MAN : Fashion Victim Edition

I love him. His videos are always so amazingly hilarious. I agree with him on the sweatpants issue, no where else in the world does society find it acceptable to wear sweatpants in public ! I'm getting dangerously close to a rant, so all I'm going to say is watch it !

HTML dork

Sigh,

My secret love of Computer Science is reasserting itself. I made the decision to pursue a minor in it with my degree, and registered a Math and a Software Engineering class I need towards that.

Then I looked at my blog, and realised that I could put a lot more work into it. I changed the template to one that I found on here, but I was not happy enough with just that. First was my profile picture. Then, I decided to change the clock, again, which is realatively simple. Then I started messing around with the fonts, colours, thicknesses of lines, etc, etc. After about 1.5 hours of working it all out, and numerous republishes, I have this. The main font is a different colour, as are the boxes around the blog title, the thickness of the lines is different, and so are many of the other fonts. Thats about all I did, and it took 1.5 hours ! haha. I love HTML and messing in it, but I don't love how long it takes me to fool around and find something I like.

Sigh, I'm such a closet code dork sometimes. I can hardly wait to learn more Java, or *gasp*, even a NEW programing language !!

P.S. There will be more changes to come ;)

Toronto ?

So, one of my three best friends, Delyth, is moving to Toronto almost certainly in August. I might just move there with her. The University of Toronto has an Economics department that is really well known across Canada. I'm going to make an appointment to see someone at UVic to talk about doing my last year there. My career would most likely have taken me to Toronto eventually, if I stay in Canada, and so it makes sense that I move there now. Another bonus is that flights overseas are really cheap from there, and I could go and visit Europe and such for a lot less than from this coast. Its just a thought, I don't have to make any sort of a decision for a long time.

I'm also really starting to think about the possibility of me applying for jobs in Dubai once I am done here. I can get really great experience with jobs that are much better for a beginner than anything here, to jumpstart my career. Its just a thought, now I'm off to eat and go to UVic and research my paper !

kelly clarkson-walk away

This song describes ALMOST exactly what it is that I feel right now, in this moment. My emotions towards the whole dating situation. I need a man who wants me, and who I know wants me. I need to at least feel that you are interested. I'm still getting the impression that you do not want me to know fully how you feel. Either that, or you are just luke-warmly interested in me.

I'm over settling for something. No more dating unless I know that person is willing to commit, and willing to work and make themselves availlable to me. If that means no dating for the rest of my life, then so be it ! I'm worth it, and I deserve it. And I sure as hell plan on returning the favour and working just as hard as them, if and when it happens.

Anything less just isn't enough. I can't live forever knowing that you aren't sure if you want to be with me or not. It's not like we need to dive right into an intense relationship again, but I need to know that you still want me. We should date, and get to know one another, but I need to get the impression that there is a spark on your end. That this is mutual. You know what I mean, and you know that I will probably know the answer before Thursday.

That felt good, now we find out.

Study Coffee

I'm studying hardcore tonight, which requires vast amounts of coffee. The best part of having spent 3.5 years working for Starbucks is that you get to know almost all the managers at all the stores, and can therefore get away with saying what I just said when I got to the till:

"Hi Lenya. So, not only am I going to be one of those customers that comes in 20 minutes before you close and orders a really complex drink, but I'm also going to get a venti and not pay for it. And how have you been ?"

She didn't even blink an eye at the request. I need to try doing it more often, hehe.

That's It !

I'm so fed up and mad right now, I just had to write.

I was suppose to go to Vancouver tonight to go out to Celebrities (hot gay club there) with some friends of mine. I really want to go, and I am very sad that I am not, but I have made the right decision. They got actually upset with me, and people are saying things like "I knew you wouldn't come" and "you just say you have all that schoolwork as an excuse". REALLY ? IS that what you think ? Cause I'm sitting here and deciding to stay at home and type a paper for fun instead of dancing with hot guys in a very hot club, and using 'schoolwork' as an excuse. ARGH, it pisses me off so much.

To be honest, I really do not think that people who haven't completed a four-year degree program at a university can fully appreciate the amount of work and effort that has to go into it. I have lost a lot of respect for people who say stupid things like the aforementioned responses, and yet themselves have not pursued a post-secondary education. It really makes me mad, because I want to go out, and I want to have fun, but I am making this sacrifice to better myself and to enhance my career because I am a driven person.

Anyone who goes to a technical college or some sort of trades program and reads this and thinks that they know what I'm going through is also kidding themselves. I'm sure that they're workload is intense and its hard in different ways, but I cannot fully understand what they must learn, just as they will never fully understand what I must.

It's not a superiority thing. I just never NEVER want to hear someone tell me that they are 'disappointed' in me not coming out or being social because I have decided to take my education first and foremost, and everything else second. I pay good money for these courses, and I will work towards a fabulous career, and god help anyone who thinks they can get in the way of that. If they wish to support me in my efforts, and if they are understanding and loving nonetheless, then I fully appreciate that. I'm sure it can't be easy for them, but they need to understand that this is important to me. That will not change.

On that note, I am writing my Women's Studies paper tonight, and a film review. Then, tommorrow I am off to the library to study and get books to write my Vampire paper. If someone calls me while I am studying and researching in the library, tough beans, I'm not answering my cell. If I am at home, or on a break from studying, then I will answer, but this is work that needs to get done.

Then, as a reward, I think I am going to either go out, or go to Vancouver or something on Tues and Weds. My family is away right now for the weekend, and I'm taking advantage of it to work my ass off.

Wee !

Thank good sweet Zombie Jebus its the long weekend !!

I'm looking at a place to possibly rent tommorrow with Delyth which I am excited about. I had an extremely stupid day at work today, it wasn't busy, but I almost killed this bitch that I work with. Stacey, my coworker, and I both want to kill this other girl that we work with. To make things better, she literally asked our manager why we always leave early after the branch closes right in front of our faces. I love our manager, she just looked at her and said that we are scheduled to get off early, so we do. Haha, that shut her up. It really surprises me that she is that unprofessional at work and that blatantly mean to the both of us. For no real reason at all. Anyways, so we are gonna go out and just bitch about her over drinks sometime, haha !

I went out on a sorta-date the earlier this week too, he is really funny and nice, and he is just kinda seeing someone else right now. Anyways, I really get along with his personality and he is so engertic and funny, but I just see us remaining friends. I don't think we are a good dating match, but I think we can continue to be awesome friends, and just develop that.

So between immature coworkers, meeting a new friend and crazy school exams this week has been crazy !

Oh, and to add to it, Cody is back. I'm so happy, but I do have mixed emotions about it. I really still miss him, and I really want us to hang out, but I am really wary of making myself too availlable. I mean, I want us to be together more than anything, but I think that I need to not jump into this and just date and be cool for a bit. I am SO looking forward to seeing him, even after all the stuff that happened, I'm totally ready to just move on and see if we are meant to be as a couple and just move on from the past issues. I think we both have a lot going on, and lots of work to do, but I also think we are also insanely compatible, more than any guy I have ever met before him. That makes it worth working for.

Now all I have to do is write a paper over this weekend, and thats it ! Woo hoo !

In unrelated news, Inhave discovered a GREAT new band that I love called MSTRKRFT (mastercraft), they are awesome. I might post a mucis video of theirs tommorrow ... Anyways, off to bed. I'm gonna get my ass outta bed and go to the gym tommorrow !!

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

For your viewing pleasure...

The original UK music video. I love the drowning imagery and the theme of the dark, muddy earthlyness. The real dirtyness of it.

Makes me tear up every time.

Chasing cars

An amazing fan video to one of my favourite songs...

Today's Quote

"Elegance is Refusal."

-Coco Chanel

working my ass off

I'm buckling down. I have a midterm on Wednesday, and then two important papers due in about a week and a half that I'm going to write this week and finish next weekend. I'm doing reading for the midterm today and tommorrow.

I'm also fed up with my lack of excerise regime. I have yoga class every week now, Monday nights at 6:30pm, which works perfectly with my schedule.

I also just realised that I have a lot of work this month: two papers, a midterm and a final take-home paper. But I only have one final in December, on the 16th, then I have about 2.5 weeks of nothing ! I discussed with Cody seeing him next month. He had the idea for me to fly out and see him then come back with him on his return. I'm not sure if that will work schedule-wise, but I really want to see him. I honestly don't care that much about the money either.

What I really want to do is to spend New Years with him and his parents at their cabin. It may work, but we shall see. It will be cold, but I can handle that, I think. All I know is that I want to see him as soon as possible when he returns, and I'm not sure how its going to work, but I want it to.

I cannot wait until he is in Vancouver, and I'm on my own in Vic, and we can go back and forth over weekends to see one another. Actually, moreso I cannot wait until I am in Vancouver, and can see him regularly. I'm getting ahead of myself. Settle down Matthew.

Ok, I'm off to read 100 pages about "Utilities, Services and Government at the Turn of the Century", and then a paper called "The Relevance of the Wheat Boom in Canadian Economic Growth". God help me.

I love this song right now. I tried to find a good music video to upload but I couldn't, so sadly you will have to make do with this:

Stuck in a world
No longer turning
Always the girl
Waiting for something
Too many days
Walking around sleepin'
Open my eyes, I'm tired of dreamin'

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if I crash down and burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like
to feel alive

Sun on my face
Lights of the city
Maybe in love or just learning to be
On my two feet
I can only imagine
I'll say the words
and believe it'll happen

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if I crash down and burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like
To feel alive

They think they know me
But how can they know me
I'm getting to know myself
I'm finally ready to be somebody
With the story to tell

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if I crash down and burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like

I wanna feel til' my heart breaks right open
I wanna blaze like a fire that's burning
Even if I crash down and burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like
To feel alive

Ohh, I feel alive...

Melissa O'Neil
Alive

Happy

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look past the imperfections."

I had a great talk with Cody tonight. The best talk that I've had in a very long time.

The thing that I learned that really floored me, and I'm still just getting used to, is something he said and did. He had let me go, and wanted me to go out and date because he wanted me to be happy. He knew that I was in a space where I just wanted to have fun for a while, and he wanted me to. He just wanted what was best for me, even if it was not him.

I am really touched by that, and it explains a good deal of his behaviour. I don't know if that is something that I could do. It was a very mature and respectful thing to do. I feel that he really did love me and respect me to be able to do something like that.

We're still talking about things. I know something for sure though. The last couple weeks of trying to date have been painful. Its just not something I want to do, its a waste of my time and energy and something I just am not interested in. I'm way more comfortable sitting at home reading by myself, and being happy with myself.

I'm not really going to go man-hunting. If someone finds me, or if something happens, then PERHAPS I will. Only perhaps.

I would love to see Cody when he returns, I think he is the most pure-hearted person I have ever met romantically. I see what he means when he says he wants us to take it slower. I agree. I'm not going to lie or hide my feelings for him, I have them, and I always will. I think we need to chat and talk until he gets back, and then we need to get to know one another.

The Bah-hai have a belief. They don't date, they "discover one another's character". They believe in taking as much time and energy as it takes to really get to know someone and see their soul as a first step in romance. I think that is what is needed here, and that is what we should do. We're not starting over again, we have already learned a great deal about one another. We have a head start in that respect, but at the same time, we never took the time to really date and see one anther.

Point is, I want to discover Cody's character, and who he is right now. I'm actually quite excited about it. The only reservation I have is that I want to see him exclusively, and I think he is the same on his end.

Now, speaking of focus, I have a midterm on Wednesday, so I must be off to read about the Economics History of Canada. I'm going to have some tea, a blanket, a textbook, a fireplace and a good romantic evening with myself.

Insightful Conversation.

Some interesting bits of a conversation I had with my friend Steph today.

***this has been slightly edited from the original conversation, but parts have only been removed, not added. This was just to get the essence of the conversation across better and more effectively.***

Steph, sorry that I didn't ask if I could publish this, I assumed I could, hope its ok.

Matt™ says:
im actually really moving on from cody, i dunno, i think he needs to make more of an effort if i am to consider it

also i have some potential dates here

Steph says:
can I be honest?

Matt™ says:
yep

Steph says:
I don't think you're getting over him

Steph says:
I think you like him a lot and your just trying hard not to because you don't see the point and you're afraid of getting hurt. allow yourself to feel what you feel for him. but let yourself know that it might not happen. But you can still feel that way. If it doesn't happen with cody, you WON'T get over him until you find someone better

which is tragic to think because right now he's the best thing ever, but also exciting because if it doesn't happen you KNOW there is someone better, and that's great!

right?

Matt™ says:
true

But i think that if we are meant to be that something will happen, and if not, then meh

Steph says:
so don't try to get over him, you're just kidding yourself, and dont try to convince him your over him either

because maybe you're both trying to get over each other when really if you weren't then there would be CLEAR signals there

Matt™ says:
hrm,
i dunno

Steph says:
and something would happen

Matt™ says:
oh, that is true

Steph says:
you have to allow yourself to get hurt if you want to feel love, if you stay in a shell, how can someone love you that way? and in turn, how can you love someone?

Matt™ says:
true. hrm, i dunno

Steph says:
you can't be in love until you're totally vulnerable. I know that scares you, but until you do something that scares you, you'll never get over that fear. think of it this way, if Cody made himself totally vulnerable to you, woudln't you feel more comfortable being vulnerable with him?

Matt™ says:
hrm, yea but honestly, chances are I'll just get hurt anyways

Steph says:
that's okay

Matt™ says:
yea, but i would want him to make the first move

Steph says:
better to get hurt and know for sure than you not get hurt and always wonder

everyone wants everyone to make the first move, and then no moves are made and it's a waste

Matt™ says:
there is also the fact that he is so far away, we cant really do anything anyways

Steph says:
that's just an excuse my friend

Steph says:
if you were really into him, which you are, it woudln't matter

Matt™ says:
true, but it may be best for us to just forget until he moves back and we can actually see one anoter and such, i dunno part of me just never wants to see him ever again, just cause it would be safer

but i dunno. u make a good point

Steph says:
I do

Matt™ says:
and ur soo modest about it

Matt™ says:
but yea, u do have a point. i dont know if cody is open to it though, i dunno, he is weird sometimes

Steph says:
you could ask him point blank

oh my god

BEST night ever !

I went out with my mom and Claude to their graduation today, they both graduated with they're masters degrees today. The ceremony, as with all of them, was bunk. So freaking boring.

However, I JUST got home from the after party thing they organised. It was all their group, they all rented hotel rooms downtown and the ballroom, and had this huge awesome dinner and drinks and a mad party with a really freaking good DJ. So much fun !

One of my mom's co-graduates, Melissa, was awesome, we danced all night long. I think her husband was jealous, haha. She graduated her undergrad degree from UVic a couple years ago, so we chatted about it. So much fun !

I EVEN had a bus-boy making eyes with me, and clearly hitting on me, it was fun to flirt, but especially since my mom was there, decided to not pursue. Altho some flirting back and forth did occur. I think I have a thing for blue collar workers. Something about the bussboy, and the construction guy just really turns my gears, haha.

Anyways, It was so much fun, I actually ended up thinking a good deal about how much I wanted someone there to share it with me. There were a lots of couples there, and I dunno. As always, I ended up thinking about Cody. It didn't help that he sent the cutest text messages. I get mixed signals from him, sometimes he seems offput, and cold and interested in just looking around. Especially when he said the other night that he would want to see me, but would be open to other guys too, I dunno, it just felt as though he wasn't all that into me anymore. So I get all pissed off, and swear that we will never be together ever again. But then I get signs like these messages or whatever, and they are so cute and romantic, makes me fall for him again. Argh, stupid men.

Claude's son, Patrick and his gf were there, she was so funny. They both came up from L.A. where he is an actor, and she is a playwrite. I really got along with them, which made me happy cause they will probably be family one day.

It was such a great night.

Threats

My friend just told me to shut up already, and that if I post another negative blog entry they will be mad at me. LOL, so apparently that is over.

My mom graduates from her Masters program tommorrow. Patrick, who is kinda my brother-in-law just gave her and her partner an old typewriter as a house-warming/grad present. My mom has always wanted one, and it has meaning for her partner, cause he has always been a journalist, and he used to use them. It hit home for me, cause I always knew she wanted one, but never got her one, I always planned on it, but I just never found the perfect one for her.

I'm really focusing on schoolwork right now. I still have a lot of thought regarding Cody and such, but I'm going to put them aside for a wee bit and focus here. I think I'm going to go to Van for next weekend and see some friends there. I have one that moved there at the end of the summer, maybe we will hang out and catch up. Either that or I will focus more on schoolwork. haha.

Anyways, I'm off to read a textbook, WEEE !!

Stupid Feelings

I had assumed that I wouldn't see Cody for at least another month, probably more, and that was kind of calming, cause I knew when he would be back. For some reason it just helped knowing we had that guarenteed break.

He's flying home sometime soon, I think its this weekend, but I'm not sure, he didn't tell me. At first when I heard this, my gut instinct was to be tremendously excited. I don't know why, but thats what it was. I guess I had assumed that he was coming back permanently, and that I could see him soon.

Then I realised that he is just back for a couple of days, and he is flying into Vancouver to see his best friend there, and then going up to visit his family and Taco. It makes sense, I know that he misses them a lot. I think its tremendously good for him, to get to see them again, and sorta recharge.

I guess my stomach just fell when I realised that he would be coming back for a bit and I wouldn't get to see him. It's such a self-centered thing to think, I mean, he obviously would prioritize his family and close friends over me. I guess I had just hoped to see him.

I will still see him in January when he returns, or whenever. I hadn't thought that I was still so attached to the idea of seeing him until this happened. I just didn't think I missed him as much as that. I hope he misses me. I hope that we get back together. I have so many reasons to be mad or upset and to just not want to see him again, but I just can't be. I can't be mad or hateful towards him. Stupid love, I think I still have it.