Defeated

I feel so very defeated, it's my word of the week. I never got a call from the position I had an interview for, despite the fact that they said I would know by the end of the week. I barely finished my stats assignment in time, and its not going to get a good mark. I am unprepared for the finals that are coming up, and I have no time to study. I feel stretched to the max, defeated, and ultimately a failure. I know it will pass, but it's overwhelming right now. I just don't even know where to begin to get back on track. I'm near the breaking point, and I don't know what to do.

Waiting...

Aaah.
That was a big sigh. I'm waiting for a phone call sometime this week, that may open doors for me and result in a three-fold increase in my stress rate. It would be the most amazing opportunity, and would utilise my skills perfectly, as well as my personality. It would be high energy, fast-paced, almost completely on my own schedule, and amazingly creative. It would also be a huge responsibility, and a massive amount of work. It boggles the mind how much work it could be. But I'm just focusing on the good right now ;)

Anyways, waiting is amazingly painful. I was told I would hear back from them before the end of the week, but that it wouldn't take them very long to make a decision. That was Monday afternoon. I was, secretly, hoping for a phone call yesterday. Alas, it never came, but I was silly to expect them to get back to me that fast. It's now the middle of the week, and two days later, and I am seriously jumping every time the phone rings.

It's a conspiracy. I bet people and organisations already know whether or not they want you days before they call you. They make you wait to see whether or not you can stand the constant heart-rushed and palpitations whenever the phone rings. To stress you out, and make you sit in limbo for as long as possible.

It's even made worse by my particular situation. I want to give my current employer two weeks notice as per the professional thing to do, even though legally I am not bound to do so. If I don't know by today or tommorrow, I may have a week where I am employed by both groups, and that would just suck. It's such a dilemna.

I haven't lost faith though, I know this position is perfect for me. It came to me the way that it did because I am meant for it, and because the universe wants it for me. I just wish I could have confirmation and get this thing going already. I can't wait until I can do the job, so just call me already ! Gawd.

TESTING, TESTING.

Ok, do this test ! DO IT ! I wanna know what y'all get. I scored a 46. Which I cannot decide is a good or bad thing. I guess its neither, It's just my personality. It's kinda freaky how accurate it is. Give me your results in your comments PLZ :D


Try this! Below is Dr Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.) The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. It's only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper,keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon & and early evening c) late at night

2. You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up,looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you.. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with.. a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your
legs stretched out or straig ht d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are.. a) stretched out on your back b) str etched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d)
with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust In your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Why would you do that to me ??

Sunday nights are usually my restful, relaxation nights. I sit down with a cup 'o tea and a good novel and read for an hour until 9pm, when Desperate Housewives comes on, then I watch Grey's Anatomy and go to bed.

Not so much this Sunday. First of all, Desperate Housewives was an amalgamation of horrible, unrealistic and annoying events. I am soo pissed off with the son, Andrew Van de Kamp, who is simply the most retched human being on the planet. Not only has he clearly driven his mother to the verge of a drinking problem, but he is bordering on mentally abusing her. That just pissed me off so much I wanted to turn off the TV. Then, the rest of the show was a complete bore, interspersed with an another tragedy for Susan Meyer with her doctor/jerk of a boyfriend. She deserves better. And, of course, then there was the stereotypical attempt at addressing a political issue with the woman hired at Lynette's firm who still breastfead her 5 year-old child. Not only was that disguisting, but it sucked as any sort of plot-line.

After all this, I was overwhelmingly excited to finally see Meredith. Grey's Anatomy never disappoints, it always has a rich plot line, with a perfect sprinkling of sarcastic wit and humour, and a touch of sexual tension. The perfect combo for any episode. I think it is the epitome of prime-time television.

So after all the wait and excitement, guess what ? It turns out to be a rerun from the freaking beginning of the season ! Why, praytell, would you give me a rerun in the middle of a new season ? WHYYYYY ??!!

I'm soo upset, it has ruined the start of my week.

Perfect Balance

I am sooo amazingly, awesomely, fantabulously happy today. Today rocks. It feels like my life has come into a perfect equilibrium and balance has been reached.

It all started this morning with yoga, I'm getting much better at is, and I am really starting to enjoy it. Then, I came home and got an email that contained good news about my secret (see previous post). I was getting all depressed about the lack of postings for new jobs on the Co-op webpage, and then BAM today there are craploads. Two of which are with Ministries. One is with the Ministry of Advanced Education and is for an economic research position. HELLO ! It's the first posting for someone in only second year of Economics ! It's practically got my name written all over it. It's kinda humerous how the day after such a crummy day as yesterday could be so awesome and full of joy. Life rocks once again. I'm also on my fourth, yes (4th), cup of coffee, so maybe that has something to do with it. I'm even studying Multivariable Calculus and the Simplex Method and I'm finding it kinda fun. Let my tell you something though, calling a method the "Simplex Method" sure makes it sound a hell of a lot easier than it actually is. I wonder if there is a group of people somewhere who market these names for mathematical methods to make them sounds easier or more fun than they actually are ? Ok, I've totally rambled now. But I honestly don't care :P

I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm not feeling that great today, I'm overcome with negativity and strong self-loathing. Everything seems to be going wrong today, and in my life. I can't find anyone to cover a shift for me on my mom's birthday, I haven't gotten a single interview, and I just feel really down. It feels like not only today, but in general, my plans are falling apart. My plan for the summer was a Co-op position, that's not happening, there is time left, but why bother ? It's not like anyone has even wanted to interview me, let alone give me a job. I applied at a bank, also haven't heard from them. I feel overwhelmingly rejected, as though the support that I have always felt from the universe has been swept away. I've always believed that there is a guiding force, and to just trust. I feel as though that force has abandoned me. I can't stand school anymore, I should be studying for a midterm but I don't care, so I'm not. I kinda just wanna die.

The Hunt Continues ...

Update on my Co-op hunting status:

There is the most perfect position in the world open right now, it closes in 2 days, and not a single person has applied for it yet !

It's in Cambell River, which is VERY remote and an insanely long drive from where I am. I don't mind that so much, because my mom knows someone there who has a friend who could rent me there basement suite. The position itself is amazing, its a Research Assistant with the Vancouver Island Health Authority, working with their study on aboriginal health issues. You have to have database experience, good analytical skills, and able to work as a team member. I am swimming in these and other skills.

So, whats the problem you ask... glad ya did ! ;)

See, my mom is finishing her Master's degree in Applied Communication, and therefore she needs me from time to time to babysit my 9 year-old brother. She plans on working full-time when she graduates, and therefore she will need me to babysit a lot for July and August when school is out for him. This means that if I move she would have to hire a full-time babysitter, or else have him stay with other family a lot, which isn't very healthy for him, and is also kinda expensive. Yes, I know that was a run-on sentence. So for that reason, I don't think I can move this summer for a position. It would be fine if the position was in September, because my brother would have school, and in fact, I plan on being a little more aggressive in looking for a September internship, cause then I would be able to move for 4 months.

It's just soo annoying that I have these responsibilities that are taking me away from what could be a great opportunity for me build experience towards a career. It makes me mad, but I also would feel mean and selfish if I told my mom I was applying anyways, and would leave if I got it. This sort of situation happens to me a lot. I'll get over it. It's just too bad.

My Beautiful Face !!!

I'm just full of good luck this week. I rushed to my esthetician to get my brows waxed before my interview yesterday, which I turned down anyways. Long story short, the job was dumb. Anyways, so I went to go see her, and she warned me that my brows might be a little "inflamed" because of the acne medication I'm on (Accutane). Today I wake up, and it looks horrid. I have been told I have burnt the epidermis of my skin, and that it could "possibly scar", the scariest two words in the english language. Here are some gruesome images for you:

trust me this looks a whole lot worse in real life.
Also, I look dazed because I just got out of my shower.

Woot

I got an interview !
I got an interview !

WEEEEEEEEEEE !

As you can prolly tell, I got an interview with one of the companies I applied for a Co-op position at. The company is West Corporation, and they are only about 10 min drive from my house, woot !

Anyways, the annoying thing is that they are my fall-back job, because I would much rather work with one of the Ministries, but alas, this would be acceptable. They are my first interview, and so I might have to accept a job offer from them before I even hear back from my other jobs, which is annoying. Damn timing! Anyways, it seems like a perfectly fine job, so I think I'll be fine, it's a good start. They have an "info" session that I have to go to tommorrow morning and then my interview is at 11:20am, which means I have to miss one class, and I'll be late for another one, but meh. It's just Stats and Calculus, whatever.

The point is, I might ACTUALLY have a Co-op position this summer, how fabulous !


UPDATE :

After the "info" session, I went to my interview and told them thank you, but I was not interested in the job, its not much better pay, and its a call centre. Ew.

It (hopefully) begins...

Not as dramatic of a title as it could have been. I had my last Co-op workshop today. We had a guest speaker from the BC Ministry of Advanced Education. He was clearly nervous at the beginning but as we asked questions it softened him up and he clearly became a lot more comfortable. It was an intense two hours of us sucking him dry of any information he had that we could use to our advantage. The government here accounts for about 60% of all Co-op placements, so you can understand our enthusiasm, plus Co-op is fairly competitive. fairly being an understatement. He also said that most of the senior managers and advisors in the government are expected to be retiring in the next 5-8 years, and that now is the best time ever to try to get into government work. I want to work all my four Co-op placements with the government if I can, because I want to work for them once I'm done my degree. All the jobs that I have applied to, I've told them this on the cover letter. I'm totally excited about my prospects and I applied to two more postings today, and plan on applying to another tommorrow. That will bring the number I have applied for to six, but I have yet to get an interview. Well, they haven't even closed yet so I shouldn't worry.

On another note, I went into work today to get a coffee and my new schedule. Steph was closing for the first time with Anthony, who isn't the hardest worker or best closer, but meh. There was something off about Steph, I couldn't place my finger on it, but I think something was bothering her. Anyways, maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Aren't you suppose to rest on Sundays ?

Ok, so I decided a long tittle while ago that I needed to take every Sunday off from work. This worked well, as then I could concentrate on schoolwork and other stuff that never gets done during the week. I essentially bought myself some more catch-up time, cause I'm always just catching-up to what I'm suppose to be doing.

Well, today I realised that I never actually rest or relax on Sunday, except tonight when I will take 2 hours to myself and watch Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy. In fact, Sundays have quickly become one of my busiest days of the week, right after Monday. I generally have school for about 8 hours on Monday, and then I go to work for 6 hours, so Mondays win.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all, it's just interesting to note that this has happened. For example, today, I need to apply for two Co-op postitions, email one of my instructors about something, start and complete an entire Calculus assignmnet, and drive 45 mins to school to complete a Statistical Economics assignment.

This being said, I'm also one of those people that hates being lazy or inefficient, so keeping constantly busy like this seems to be a sick way that I ensure I am always running at maximum efficiency. Anyways, I had better get going and make some coffee, mmmm coffee. I am soo totally addicted, but that's a whole other post.

P.S. That graph is of the basic first-year theory of Allocative Efficiency in Economics, seemed relevant.

Emotional Morning

Today was good, but my morning was like something stright out of a TV sitcom:

I wake up and its snowing, it NEVER snows here. I hate snow sooo much, it represents cold, and cold is evil, it can kill you.

My car was running on fumes this morning, so I stopped at the Chevron on my way to school. I was already running late for my 8:30am class, but I didn't have enough to get me to UVic. I pulled up to a ... what do you call them ? stall ? ok, well lets call it a "gas stall", anyways, I pulled up to the "gas stall" and got my credit card handy. Right before I put it in, the "gas pumping machine" starts talking to me, I must have jumped at least 5 feet into the air. Don't talk to me if your an innatimate object at freaking 8am!!

Anyways, it's the man inside the gas station telling me that the pump is not working today. So I get back into my car and turn around to get into another stall-thingy; this old lady in a new red Toyoto Cambry ( I hate Toyotas with a passion, I'm a proud Honda-er) speeds up and pulls right into the stall before me. I was sooo fuming mad I almost hit her car out of spite.

So by now there is a big line-up forming for these "stalls". I finally get one, and pull up, when I go to undo my gas-hole-lid-thingy (I apparently don't have a high gasoline-related vocabulary), I realise that I had already undid it at the first stall and that I must've put it on the trunk like I always do. So, its missing. At this point I was ready to sit down and cry. Luckily, the gas station manager comes out, he introduced himself and said that he had noticed my predicament (a.k.a. they were watching me inside and laughing), and that he had found the gas-hole-lid-thingy on his walk to my car. I was soo thankful, then he gave me a coupon for $5 in gas because he saw that lady steal my "gas stall". My eyes actually got teary. I thanked him, inserted my credit card and pumped away (that sentence sounded dirty), I decided that I would use the card later to just top off the tank, but I wanted to get a full tank right now.

Just as I am leaving Sidney and am too far away to turn back and have any hope of ever making it to class anywhere near on-time I realise I forgot the gas-coupon-card-thingy on top of the pump. Normally, this would've sent me into a little bit of a swearing rampage. I was oddly calm. The manager had been soo nice and thoughtful that I decided it was the thought that counted and that I really didn't care that I can't use it, but I do care that he gave it to me. This sounds really bad, but I am just not used to members of the public treating me with any respect. I'm just used to serving them at work, or just seeing them on the streets. It was soo heart-warming to think that I could screw up soo much at something and someone didn't want to yell at me for it, they wanted to make me feel better. Then I cried, while driving in the snow at 8am to my calculus class.

Study, meh I'll watch TV

hehe. So I'm watching Voyager right now. If anyone reading this knows the show, its the episode with the Krenem, the ones with the huge ship that changes the space-time continuum. It's such a good two-part episode, with soo many ethical arguments.

Anyways, so I have a Public Finance course tommorrow. Meh, It's not too hard of a course, I can prolly get a fairly good mark with what little studying I have done. I am going to study a bit more, and then get up at 6:45am, ARGH.

Work is getting weird. Tara, another supervisor, is prolly going to quit, leaving us even more short-staffed. It's all because of our stupid Assistant Manager, he is incompetent and foolish. It's unfortunate how one person can completely disrupt and destroy a group of functioning individuals. Anyways, so I might have a Co-op position this summer. I'm not getting my hopes up, so I'm not talking about it, but it might go through. The thing is, do I want it ?

Are You Kidding Me !?

Picture this, me happily sleeping away, drooling a little out of the side of my mouth.
then, WHAM !

My cell phone starts blaring "Take Me Out"; and of course I'm cursing the fact that my phone was even left on overnight, let alone the fact that someone has the ordassity to call me at 6am on Sunday.

Guess who it was ?

That's right ! Work !

I didn't answer the phone, but had a god-awful time trying to get back to sleep. I think I dreamt about dancing to that song actually, hrm.. yeah, I'm sure I was dancing to it in my dream later.

Anyways, I called back later at a more reasonable hour (10am), to see what all the fuss was about. Apparently, our manager never bothered to schedule a third person to come in at 7am. This is not a good thing, because that person needs to help them prepare for the morning rushes. More importantly, without the third person on, no one can take a break, because it's rediculous to leave one employee alone on the floor at Starbucks, its just a dumb idea, and also against policy.

Anyways, so I said "ummm....no" in a voice that clearly indicated that I wanted to tell them where they could shove something. If it wasn't for the fact that one of my favourite people to work with was the one calling I would have been much meaner.

Besides that glorious start to my day, it's been good so far. I'm still working on multi-variable calculus, because the assignment is harder than I thought it would be. It's gonne be a good day.

Much Better

I feel a million times better today. I feel like I could conquer the world today. So, I have been! I went out and got more Accutane, bought some awesome bagels and organic cream cheese for breakfast. I'm half-way done my math assignment, and I even emailed the professor because I think there is a mistake on it. She put two equations on the assignment that kinda make no sense. I'm going to work on my scholarship application now for a mental break. Today rocks !

I have also rediscovered my obsession with World War II propoganda posters, they just make you feel so gung-ho, I want one for my room.

I MUST stay in school, its important to my country !

...If she can do it, I sure can !

I MUST save my money this summer, and work even harder, people have given up much more than I have in their lives, I can totally do it !

NO MORE PROCRASTINATION, I must work hard NOW !

Silence

OMG, I've been soo busy the last couple of days, it's been rediculous.

I had the worst day in history at work today. I was yelled at by two customers, one of whom was a regular. They were both the meanest, nastiest people I've had to deal with in almost 4 years working in customer service. It was rediculous !

I'm applying for a scholarship tommorrow, well today technically since it's past midnight here. I need to go to bed and read my book and fall asleep. Also, tommorrow I am starting and completing (in the same day, hopefully :D) a huge Math 103 assignment. It's my last math class ever that I will have to take, but I have to get a really good mark in it. Also, I have to study for a midterm coming up in my public finance class. Gee golly gosh, I should get to bed, I'm soo excited about having a weekend off from work, to just go and work on school, weee ! I'm such a dork !

I think I will apply for another Co-op postition with the Ministry of the Environment, they have an opening for a research assistant. I am also considering applying to work at a company out here called West Corporation, they are worldwide, and are a call center. The one here deals mostly with Sprint and Singular cellular customers from the USA. I might be able to do a C-op position with them, I'm totally overqualified for the work, but it pays well. I could also just tell them I'm taking a break from school and I wanna work full-time for a bit, and then leave in 4 months saying I've changed my mind. Ha, they would prolly hate me. Meh, I want a reference, so maybe I'll be upfront from the get-go, so as to not leave a bad impression. Then again, people can change their minds. hehe.

Anyways,
command: initiate='hard-working program'

program found

enter acess code: ******
acess code approved

initiating ...

starting
command: program=run

beginning bootup process
process complete

running...
ENGAGE HARD WORK !

Always the Skeptic

Well, I haven't been blogging much because I've been uber busy working on applying for Co-op positions. In the midst of it all, I got a job offering from a company. So, I say to myself, what's the catch ?

Well, the company is based in Nashville, Tennesee; It's called Southwestern and they publish children's learning books, CD's, high school study guides and much more. Now, I was kind of skeptical at first, because you have to relocate for the entire summer, and you are selling books, but its a very renowned company. There are Senators that worked for them in they're youth, that and other things made me feel more confident. I went to a "Corporate Spotlight" today, it was a great lunch at a really nice restaurant. There is an intense 4 interview process, they don't so much want you to have experience with sales or anything, but they want to make sure you have the right personality.

I appreciated that the woman hosting it was honest too. She said its a great opportunity for the summer, and the money is amazing, but the work is hard. Their summer interns work about 60-80 hours a week. There also is no guaranteed salary, you earn commission, nothing else, so if you don't sell anything, you get nothing. The sales experience looks amazing, and they often promote people the area sales managers for next summer if you want to return.

They are supported by UVic's Co-op program and the university's Co-op co-ordinator told me she knows many students who worked with Southwestern in the summer, and she hasn't ever heard any complaints beyond it being hard work.

I am intrigued and therefore have started they're rigurous interview process. The recruiter said that they will have to chose 40 people from Victoria from about 400 applicants. Therefore, she said, we shouldn't be disappointed if we are rejected.

Anyways, I'm off to go work on an online assignment, and then maybe read before bed. Argh, I have an 8:30am class tommorrow. How inhumane.

UPDATE:

I didn't go through with the interview process, who wants to sell books all summer long ??