The Simpsons - UK message

This is a hilarious Christmas message to the UK. I love how it refers to Boxing Day.

Enjoy and merry Eggnog Season !

Poker

My mom and Claude have started teaching my 10 year-old brother how to play Poker. They are essentially introducing him into the world of gambling. This has definately come from Claude, as my mom would never have been interested in such a thing. I'm very upset about it.

We had a big fight about the idea last night. It was suppose to be a 'discussion' but it ended up being a fight, with my mom defending Claude. What a surprise.

I'm so upset I could cry, and I did before bed last night.

Who the hell does he think he is to introduce my little brother to such a thing, when he has only been in his life for MAYBE 4 months. I'm ready to kick some ass, and I'm definately not leaving this one alone.

I hate Christmas

I really hate what Christmas has become.

People get so stressed out this time of year, and working at a Bank, you REALLY get to see how it affects people. So many people are taking out more credit, cash advances on their Visas, increasing their loans, etc. Its so unhealthy, both emotionally and financially.

I'm going to give simple presents this year. Presents that people will love, but also ones that they will appreciate. Not all this store-bought happiness in a shiny box that wears off in a couple weeks, but really interesting genuine presents.

I'm getting a cookbook for my friend Delyth, cause she can no longer eat gluten of any sort, so I'm going to get a gluten-free cookbook for her. I'm making some of my presents. There are a couple people I don't know what to get them, but I'm sure something will inspire me along the way.

Its the time we spend together that matters really. I'm going to make sure I spend time over the holidays with my family in Vancouver, at Claude's house, and with Cody. I just want us all to be together and to enjoy one another. Not to just sit on top of our heaps of shiny new toys, that we then get bored of days later. Cause really, when it comes down to it, those are just toys, they have no meaning to the heart. A gift of value and love is so much better, or even no gift and just spending quality time with those you love.

Yep, all I want for Christmas is quality time (and a hippopotamus).

Aveda Musical

OMG !

Steph did this musical as part of her Aveda class, and it is absolutely AWESOMELY HILARIOUS.

I love it, watch it !

you forgot something ...

Cody left this morning, on the 9am ferry. We agreed that it was best for him to take the early ferry today cause it is cheaper than regular ferries and he has stuff he needs to get to in Vancouver.

I seriously miss him already, and its been like 5 minutes since he left, he just called me, and he is waiting at the ferry terminal right now. I am really sad right now, sad that he isn't here, but I know that it is only termporary and that he is here in spirit.

So much has happened in the last week or so since I went over. I went over (called in sick to work on Saturday so I could) last weekend. Then when it was time for him to drop me off at the terminal to go home, he decided to just come over as well. It was such an awesomely romantic and wonderful time. The ferries were busy so we had to wait for about 2.5 hours and we just sat in the car and talked and read and went and got teas. It started snowing, and it just completed the magically surreal moment. It has been snowy all week here, which is odd for the southern coast, we never have snow that sticks and lasts, especially not for a week.

I worked during the week, and mom was stuck back in Vancouver because of the snow, so Cody and I had the house to ourselves. Work was closed on Monday, and we just hung out and had the most fabulous day doing nothing really at all but the simple small things and making the fun memories that you remember forever. While I worked this week, Cody made some absolutely amazing dinners for us, the first was a complete surprise. I walked home from work and was cold and not in the best of spirits and went right up to my room to change. He then calls me down to come look at something. I walked into the kitchen and there was white wine with a beautiful set table and a lovely aroma. He had cooked us the most amazing meal. Spinach stuffed mushroom caps for appetizer, then seared Cod with a homemade pecan pesto and tortellini on the side. It was absolutely fabulous.

We went to see his Aunt Marge who lives in Sidney as well, and shovelled her driveway and played many a card game with her. She really appreciated it, and she was really a lot of fun to spend the a couple evenings with.

We did so much this week, I cannot even begin to write it all on here. I cannot even describe the feeling of this week either. It has been so magical and surreal. I feel like I had found the most perfect place in life and the most perfect person whom to share mine with. I cannot help but be sad that he is gone for the week, but I am counting the seconds until next weekend.

then you think

Well, we all know how much of a pastime thinking is for me. Sometimes I do it too much, sometimes things are so obvious that you overthink them.

I overthought about Cody and I. I know I said I wouldn't, but I did. I was reading all the lack of big gestures, and not noticing the subtle but clear ones.

When I went over last weekend, Cody was still feeling ill from a bad flu he had had. Anyways, it was just his stomach, but he was also kinda tired. I understood this, but I also noticed that he didn't seem as cuddley or as obviously into me as I would expect. You know, the small things like moving towards you on the couch, or the little kisses and such. Anyways, I was so busy noticing the lack of those things that I didn't notice things that I should have.

Cody wanted to paint his room, and asked me what colours he should paint it, I said olive green with a redish brown feature wall. Then I came to visit, and guess what colour the room was, olive green with a red brick feature wall. Exactly what I had said, and I totally meant it as a hypothetical, I thought it was just what I thought, nothing more. He then asked me where to put his furniture and how to arrange it, and he did it exactly as I suggested. Little things like this, lots of them are signs. He picked me up from the ferry, spent his entire day with me doing whatever, and when I wanted to drive 20 minutes to out for coffee in Whiterock, we did it. He even secretly applied for a job here in Victoria, and didn't tell me because he didn't want to get my hopes up.

Hence, I cannot wait for next weekend. I have no more concerns about our relationship and its status. I know that he is a little scared to jump in too fast, cause we have been away for so long, and we had such big fights and things happened. At the same time, I know what he means to me, and I know that it is there. I know that he has to slowly open up to showing it, but that deep down he feels the exact same way, and that he loves me and us just as much as I do.

These things show what I should have realised, and they make me smile.

Dedication, me ?!

I apparently inspired an online friend of mine to start his own blog. We met online a little while ago, and I told him that I wasn't interested in dating, because I'm with Cody right now. He is super nice, and its good to chat with him about my more dorky vices, but I also had to make sure that I was clear about my friendship-only intentions. Anywyays, I just gave him the link to my blog, and he read it and apparently got inspired to read it. I think its cool, but he also dedicated a post to me, which is sweet (Dave). I'm happy I inspired him, I just hope that he understands we are just friends. I really do not want to lead anyone on the wrong way.

Anyways, I don't think I have. I am super happy to have a new blog to read about and comment on though. I have the regular ones I read (Megan, Qatarcat, Steph, etc) but its nice to have something new. I'm also really flattered that someone liked mine enough to start their own !! Anyways, I am off to pack for the weekend and get some schoolwork done.

I actually went to class tonight (yes Cody, I ACTUALLY did :P ) and I am so freaking excited to see him, and hang out with him. I actually contemplated calling in sick to work on Saturday, just so I could have an extra day, but its not a good idea. Especially since our bonuses are being handed out soon, best to look as good as possible right now ! So, no sick days for me. WOO HOO, 2 days till weekend !!

decisions, decisions

It's cold out. Really, Really, freakingly weirdly cold. I know that wasn't a full sentence, but I don't care. It's even suppose to snow up island tonight, in Nanaimo. I personally believe that whomever chooses to live in Nanaimo deserves the worst they can get, but thats just me.

Anyways, so I'm sitting at home, in my warm comfy room, looking out on the cold, stormy and windy night. I don't want to go to my class tonight. I'm suppose to get back my second midterm tonight though, but I still don't want to drive and walk in this cold stormy weather.

Its such a hard decision. I should probably go, but I really don't want to.

I'm talking to my two friends online about my conundrum. One lives in Edmonton, and she has absolutely no sympathy. What a jerk. The other, Julian, lives here, and he actually braved the weather to not only go to class, but to observe ducks earlier today. Apparently he has an animal behaviour class where he has to observe ducks for a project. I personally think he should have worn all plaid with a big fur hat and boots for the full effect, he disagrees. Anyways, he also thinks that it is way to cold and uncivilised outside to leave the house.

I'm thinking that I could just get a note from my doctor explaining how cold it was outside, and how far I have to drive. Therefore, because its so stormy and cold and I live so far from campus, it is dangerous for my health to leave the house. There is a high probability of me either catching a cold or getting in an accident. I think she will buy that. Now I just need to call my doctor tommorrow to get the note. ACTUALLY, my prof probably won't give a crap wether or not I'm there, and so I really do not need a note. I don't know why I ever thought I did. I guess somehow I thought it was an exam. Oh right, I'm getting my exam back tonight. Hrm, I don't want to miss that, but I REALLY don't want to be in the cold.

This is tought, a truly hard decision.

I think I will be more productive at home. Besides the fact that I've wasted a bit of time writing this long, slightly pointless blog entry, I'm generally more productive at home. I could do my laundry, finish my readings, and watch America's Next Top Model. I cannot wait to go to Vancouver this weekend. It's only for a day and a bit, which is annoying, but alas, I have to work.

I have a huge weekend off for Dec 16th, so I will take some extra time off, and hopefully go to visit Cody for a while so we can actually spend a good chunk of time together. It's hard to know where we are going, so I won't try. I'm just gonna go with the flow, and as it stands I like hanging out with him. I'm going to his friend's Alex's birthday party on Saturday night. I'm making sure I look my best for it, mostly cause I'm afraid Alex is more attractive than me. Since I'm an Aries, I simply cannot be outshone, so I'm going to have to look my most fabulous. Plus, it never hurts to let Cody know that I am damn hot, and look hotter than everyone else in the room. I think my main thing is that I cannot settle for being second at anything, second best, second fastest, second hottest, second choice, so I always make sure I beat the competition hands down. Or at least die trying !

I probably don't need to worry, or be that competitive, but its in my blood. I'm really jealous easily, unless I know I have nothing to worry about.

Wow, this post turned into quite the discussion about everything ! Anyways, I'm off to do some reading, screw class.

Treasure Down - Gabriel & Dresden


I love them.

I love this song.

I love the music video.

Watch it.

If I could turn back time....

I went to Vancouver, and spent the last 24 hours with Cody.

It was amazing, there are definately changes, and we are both (moreso him than me) a little wary of being urt and jumping in too fast. However, the important parts: the flutters in the stomach, the impulse to smile just looking at him, essentially the love is definately there. I felt like a giddy schoolgirl walking out of the terminal to see him for the first time in 3 months, and in those seconds I knew that I will do whatever it takes to make us work, or to at least try. I'm fine with travelling there, or him coming here, almost every weekend. The distance sucks, but we can make it work I think. I want to, thats what I know for sure.

Yes, the next paragraph is a little R-rated, and you do not have to read it, but its important. I had to mention it, so if you don't wanna read it, skip it ! If you read it and are disturbed, I don't care, haha.

I had my second ever mind-only orgasm with him this weekend. It has happened to me before, I can actually have the thrill and sensation of orgasm without actually physically ejaculating (its only happened once before though). That happened this weekend, I didn't tell him, but I guess now he will know. Without going into too many details, the vast majority of all the best sexual experiences I have ever had are with Cody. Hehe.

I'm home now, its bittersweet. I cannot wait to see him again next weekend or whenever it works out next. I have the usually happiness to be home and in my own bed and such, but I already kinda miss him. I'm so happy he is back. I'm happy that we are seeing one another, and I'm not going to think about the future and where we are going. What happens, happens. All I know is that he is worth every effort on my part to try and make it work. I hope he feels the same, but even if he doesn't, thats how I will continue to feel.

It takes time, and we have some healing to go through. If I could turn back time, I would definately do things a lot differently on my end, but thats what mistakes are for, to learn from. I think that the last 3 months were a big life lesson for me and him. And with that thought I am off to bed. Silly work tommorrow morning.

More Health for the Hungry

I just got back from the gym, my third visit to the gym this week. I don't really notice ANY difference, and I'm pissed off. I just went and bought multivitamins and some other health pills I need. I don't think I'm getting enough minerals and vitamins everyday, so yea, these will help.

I've also been tanning a bit more than usual, and I'm gonna keep it up; I've been way too pasty for way too long. My ass is flabby, its so annoying. If I wiggle it, it wiggles back. sigh.

I'm going to step it up at the gym, clearly I'm not doing enough. My goals are:

-Loose about 3 inches off my waist, mostly just the fat, and gaining muscle.
-No more wiggly, jelly-like ass.
-Slightly bigger arms.

Pretty much the only part of my body that I'm currently happy with are my legs. I have hot legs. They are a perfect combo of muscle and leanness, so they aren't scary and large, but they are lean and defined. I have even asked my girlfriends what they think, and yea, its my hottest part. I want the rest to match ! haha.

I'm going to yoga every Monday night from now on, and the gym 2-3 times a week, and tanning at least once a week. My freckles are coming back, so that might make up for the uglier bits.

Wish me luck !!

No Ice Cream

I'm doing the insane, trying to become healthier over the holiday season.

I had a huge craving for ice cream, so I went to the grocery store. Then, as I am standing there looking at the rows up rows of sweet, succulant, fabulously rich ice cream, all I can think about is how much fat and calories and sweeteners are in each one. Even the healthy ones have artificial crap and chemicals. So, I walked away from the isle. I just walked away without any ice cream.

Then I came home and tried to satisfy my craving with christmas oranges and tea. So far its been ineffective.

Ask A GAY MAN : Fashion Victim Edition

I love him. His videos are always so amazingly hilarious. I agree with him on the sweatpants issue, no where else in the world does society find it acceptable to wear sweatpants in public ! I'm getting dangerously close to a rant, so all I'm going to say is watch it !

HTML dork

Sigh,

My secret love of Computer Science is reasserting itself. I made the decision to pursue a minor in it with my degree, and registered a Math and a Software Engineering class I need towards that.

Then I looked at my blog, and realised that I could put a lot more work into it. I changed the template to one that I found on here, but I was not happy enough with just that. First was my profile picture. Then, I decided to change the clock, again, which is realatively simple. Then I started messing around with the fonts, colours, thicknesses of lines, etc, etc. After about 1.5 hours of working it all out, and numerous republishes, I have this. The main font is a different colour, as are the boxes around the blog title, the thickness of the lines is different, and so are many of the other fonts. Thats about all I did, and it took 1.5 hours ! haha. I love HTML and messing in it, but I don't love how long it takes me to fool around and find something I like.

Sigh, I'm such a closet code dork sometimes. I can hardly wait to learn more Java, or *gasp*, even a NEW programing language !!

P.S. There will be more changes to come ;)

Toronto ?

So, one of my three best friends, Delyth, is moving to Toronto almost certainly in August. I might just move there with her. The University of Toronto has an Economics department that is really well known across Canada. I'm going to make an appointment to see someone at UVic to talk about doing my last year there. My career would most likely have taken me to Toronto eventually, if I stay in Canada, and so it makes sense that I move there now. Another bonus is that flights overseas are really cheap from there, and I could go and visit Europe and such for a lot less than from this coast. Its just a thought, I don't have to make any sort of a decision for a long time.

I'm also really starting to think about the possibility of me applying for jobs in Dubai once I am done here. I can get really great experience with jobs that are much better for a beginner than anything here, to jumpstart my career. Its just a thought, now I'm off to eat and go to UVic and research my paper !

kelly clarkson-walk away

This song describes ALMOST exactly what it is that I feel right now, in this moment. My emotions towards the whole dating situation. I need a man who wants me, and who I know wants me. I need to at least feel that you are interested. I'm still getting the impression that you do not want me to know fully how you feel. Either that, or you are just luke-warmly interested in me.

I'm over settling for something. No more dating unless I know that person is willing to commit, and willing to work and make themselves availlable to me. If that means no dating for the rest of my life, then so be it ! I'm worth it, and I deserve it. And I sure as hell plan on returning the favour and working just as hard as them, if and when it happens.

Anything less just isn't enough. I can't live forever knowing that you aren't sure if you want to be with me or not. It's not like we need to dive right into an intense relationship again, but I need to know that you still want me. We should date, and get to know one another, but I need to get the impression that there is a spark on your end. That this is mutual. You know what I mean, and you know that I will probably know the answer before Thursday.

That felt good, now we find out.

Study Coffee

I'm studying hardcore tonight, which requires vast amounts of coffee. The best part of having spent 3.5 years working for Starbucks is that you get to know almost all the managers at all the stores, and can therefore get away with saying what I just said when I got to the till:

"Hi Lenya. So, not only am I going to be one of those customers that comes in 20 minutes before you close and orders a really complex drink, but I'm also going to get a venti and not pay for it. And how have you been ?"

She didn't even blink an eye at the request. I need to try doing it more often, hehe.

That's It !

I'm so fed up and mad right now, I just had to write.

I was suppose to go to Vancouver tonight to go out to Celebrities (hot gay club there) with some friends of mine. I really want to go, and I am very sad that I am not, but I have made the right decision. They got actually upset with me, and people are saying things like "I knew you wouldn't come" and "you just say you have all that schoolwork as an excuse". REALLY ? IS that what you think ? Cause I'm sitting here and deciding to stay at home and type a paper for fun instead of dancing with hot guys in a very hot club, and using 'schoolwork' as an excuse. ARGH, it pisses me off so much.

To be honest, I really do not think that people who haven't completed a four-year degree program at a university can fully appreciate the amount of work and effort that has to go into it. I have lost a lot of respect for people who say stupid things like the aforementioned responses, and yet themselves have not pursued a post-secondary education. It really makes me mad, because I want to go out, and I want to have fun, but I am making this sacrifice to better myself and to enhance my career because I am a driven person.

Anyone who goes to a technical college or some sort of trades program and reads this and thinks that they know what I'm going through is also kidding themselves. I'm sure that they're workload is intense and its hard in different ways, but I cannot fully understand what they must learn, just as they will never fully understand what I must.

It's not a superiority thing. I just never NEVER want to hear someone tell me that they are 'disappointed' in me not coming out or being social because I have decided to take my education first and foremost, and everything else second. I pay good money for these courses, and I will work towards a fabulous career, and god help anyone who thinks they can get in the way of that. If they wish to support me in my efforts, and if they are understanding and loving nonetheless, then I fully appreciate that. I'm sure it can't be easy for them, but they need to understand that this is important to me. That will not change.

On that note, I am writing my Women's Studies paper tonight, and a film review. Then, tommorrow I am off to the library to study and get books to write my Vampire paper. If someone calls me while I am studying and researching in the library, tough beans, I'm not answering my cell. If I am at home, or on a break from studying, then I will answer, but this is work that needs to get done.

Then, as a reward, I think I am going to either go out, or go to Vancouver or something on Tues and Weds. My family is away right now for the weekend, and I'm taking advantage of it to work my ass off.

Wee !

Thank good sweet Zombie Jebus its the long weekend !!

I'm looking at a place to possibly rent tommorrow with Delyth which I am excited about. I had an extremely stupid day at work today, it wasn't busy, but I almost killed this bitch that I work with. Stacey, my coworker, and I both want to kill this other girl that we work with. To make things better, she literally asked our manager why we always leave early after the branch closes right in front of our faces. I love our manager, she just looked at her and said that we are scheduled to get off early, so we do. Haha, that shut her up. It really surprises me that she is that unprofessional at work and that blatantly mean to the both of us. For no real reason at all. Anyways, so we are gonna go out and just bitch about her over drinks sometime, haha !

I went out on a sorta-date the earlier this week too, he is really funny and nice, and he is just kinda seeing someone else right now. Anyways, I really get along with his personality and he is so engertic and funny, but I just see us remaining friends. I don't think we are a good dating match, but I think we can continue to be awesome friends, and just develop that.

So between immature coworkers, meeting a new friend and crazy school exams this week has been crazy !

Oh, and to add to it, Cody is back. I'm so happy, but I do have mixed emotions about it. I really still miss him, and I really want us to hang out, but I am really wary of making myself too availlable. I mean, I want us to be together more than anything, but I think that I need to not jump into this and just date and be cool for a bit. I am SO looking forward to seeing him, even after all the stuff that happened, I'm totally ready to just move on and see if we are meant to be as a couple and just move on from the past issues. I think we both have a lot going on, and lots of work to do, but I also think we are also insanely compatible, more than any guy I have ever met before him. That makes it worth working for.

Now all I have to do is write a paper over this weekend, and thats it ! Woo hoo !

In unrelated news, Inhave discovered a GREAT new band that I love called MSTRKRFT (mastercraft), they are awesome. I might post a mucis video of theirs tommorrow ... Anyways, off to bed. I'm gonna get my ass outta bed and go to the gym tommorrow !!

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

For your viewing pleasure...

The original UK music video. I love the drowning imagery and the theme of the dark, muddy earthlyness. The real dirtyness of it.

Makes me tear up every time.

Chasing cars

An amazing fan video to one of my favourite songs...

Today's Quote

"Elegance is Refusal."

-Coco Chanel

working my ass off

I'm buckling down. I have a midterm on Wednesday, and then two important papers due in about a week and a half that I'm going to write this week and finish next weekend. I'm doing reading for the midterm today and tommorrow.

I'm also fed up with my lack of excerise regime. I have yoga class every week now, Monday nights at 6:30pm, which works perfectly with my schedule.

I also just realised that I have a lot of work this month: two papers, a midterm and a final take-home paper. But I only have one final in December, on the 16th, then I have about 2.5 weeks of nothing ! I discussed with Cody seeing him next month. He had the idea for me to fly out and see him then come back with him on his return. I'm not sure if that will work schedule-wise, but I really want to see him. I honestly don't care that much about the money either.

What I really want to do is to spend New Years with him and his parents at their cabin. It may work, but we shall see. It will be cold, but I can handle that, I think. All I know is that I want to see him as soon as possible when he returns, and I'm not sure how its going to work, but I want it to.

I cannot wait until he is in Vancouver, and I'm on my own in Vic, and we can go back and forth over weekends to see one another. Actually, moreso I cannot wait until I am in Vancouver, and can see him regularly. I'm getting ahead of myself. Settle down Matthew.

Ok, I'm off to read 100 pages about "Utilities, Services and Government at the Turn of the Century", and then a paper called "The Relevance of the Wheat Boom in Canadian Economic Growth". God help me.

I love this song right now. I tried to find a good music video to upload but I couldn't, so sadly you will have to make do with this:

Stuck in a world
No longer turning
Always the girl
Waiting for something
Too many days
Walking around sleepin'
Open my eyes, I'm tired of dreamin'

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if I crash down and burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like
to feel alive

Sun on my face
Lights of the city
Maybe in love or just learning to be
On my two feet
I can only imagine
I'll say the words
and believe it'll happen

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if I crash down and burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like
To feel alive

They think they know me
But how can they know me
I'm getting to know myself
I'm finally ready to be somebody
With the story to tell

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if I crash down and burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like

I wanna feel til' my heart breaks right open
I wanna blaze like a fire that's burning
Even if I crash down and burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like
To feel alive

Ohh, I feel alive...

Melissa O'Neil
Alive

Happy

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look past the imperfections."

I had a great talk with Cody tonight. The best talk that I've had in a very long time.

The thing that I learned that really floored me, and I'm still just getting used to, is something he said and did. He had let me go, and wanted me to go out and date because he wanted me to be happy. He knew that I was in a space where I just wanted to have fun for a while, and he wanted me to. He just wanted what was best for me, even if it was not him.

I am really touched by that, and it explains a good deal of his behaviour. I don't know if that is something that I could do. It was a very mature and respectful thing to do. I feel that he really did love me and respect me to be able to do something like that.

We're still talking about things. I know something for sure though. The last couple weeks of trying to date have been painful. Its just not something I want to do, its a waste of my time and energy and something I just am not interested in. I'm way more comfortable sitting at home reading by myself, and being happy with myself.

I'm not really going to go man-hunting. If someone finds me, or if something happens, then PERHAPS I will. Only perhaps.

I would love to see Cody when he returns, I think he is the most pure-hearted person I have ever met romantically. I see what he means when he says he wants us to take it slower. I agree. I'm not going to lie or hide my feelings for him, I have them, and I always will. I think we need to chat and talk until he gets back, and then we need to get to know one another.

The Bah-hai have a belief. They don't date, they "discover one another's character". They believe in taking as much time and energy as it takes to really get to know someone and see their soul as a first step in romance. I think that is what is needed here, and that is what we should do. We're not starting over again, we have already learned a great deal about one another. We have a head start in that respect, but at the same time, we never took the time to really date and see one anther.

Point is, I want to discover Cody's character, and who he is right now. I'm actually quite excited about it. The only reservation I have is that I want to see him exclusively, and I think he is the same on his end.

Now, speaking of focus, I have a midterm on Wednesday, so I must be off to read about the Economics History of Canada. I'm going to have some tea, a blanket, a textbook, a fireplace and a good romantic evening with myself.

Insightful Conversation.

Some interesting bits of a conversation I had with my friend Steph today.

***this has been slightly edited from the original conversation, but parts have only been removed, not added. This was just to get the essence of the conversation across better and more effectively.***

Steph, sorry that I didn't ask if I could publish this, I assumed I could, hope its ok.

Matt™ says:
im actually really moving on from cody, i dunno, i think he needs to make more of an effort if i am to consider it

also i have some potential dates here

Steph says:
can I be honest?

Matt™ says:
yep

Steph says:
I don't think you're getting over him

Steph says:
I think you like him a lot and your just trying hard not to because you don't see the point and you're afraid of getting hurt. allow yourself to feel what you feel for him. but let yourself know that it might not happen. But you can still feel that way. If it doesn't happen with cody, you WON'T get over him until you find someone better

which is tragic to think because right now he's the best thing ever, but also exciting because if it doesn't happen you KNOW there is someone better, and that's great!

right?

Matt™ says:
true

But i think that if we are meant to be that something will happen, and if not, then meh

Steph says:
so don't try to get over him, you're just kidding yourself, and dont try to convince him your over him either

because maybe you're both trying to get over each other when really if you weren't then there would be CLEAR signals there

Matt™ says:
hrm,
i dunno

Steph says:
and something would happen

Matt™ says:
oh, that is true

Steph says:
you have to allow yourself to get hurt if you want to feel love, if you stay in a shell, how can someone love you that way? and in turn, how can you love someone?

Matt™ says:
true. hrm, i dunno

Steph says:
you can't be in love until you're totally vulnerable. I know that scares you, but until you do something that scares you, you'll never get over that fear. think of it this way, if Cody made himself totally vulnerable to you, woudln't you feel more comfortable being vulnerable with him?

Matt™ says:
hrm, yea but honestly, chances are I'll just get hurt anyways

Steph says:
that's okay

Matt™ says:
yea, but i would want him to make the first move

Steph says:
better to get hurt and know for sure than you not get hurt and always wonder

everyone wants everyone to make the first move, and then no moves are made and it's a waste

Matt™ says:
there is also the fact that he is so far away, we cant really do anything anyways

Steph says:
that's just an excuse my friend

Steph says:
if you were really into him, which you are, it woudln't matter

Matt™ says:
true, but it may be best for us to just forget until he moves back and we can actually see one anoter and such, i dunno part of me just never wants to see him ever again, just cause it would be safer

but i dunno. u make a good point

Steph says:
I do

Matt™ says:
and ur soo modest about it

Matt™ says:
but yea, u do have a point. i dont know if cody is open to it though, i dunno, he is weird sometimes

Steph says:
you could ask him point blank

oh my god

BEST night ever !

I went out with my mom and Claude to their graduation today, they both graduated with they're masters degrees today. The ceremony, as with all of them, was bunk. So freaking boring.

However, I JUST got home from the after party thing they organised. It was all their group, they all rented hotel rooms downtown and the ballroom, and had this huge awesome dinner and drinks and a mad party with a really freaking good DJ. So much fun !

One of my mom's co-graduates, Melissa, was awesome, we danced all night long. I think her husband was jealous, haha. She graduated her undergrad degree from UVic a couple years ago, so we chatted about it. So much fun !

I EVEN had a bus-boy making eyes with me, and clearly hitting on me, it was fun to flirt, but especially since my mom was there, decided to not pursue. Altho some flirting back and forth did occur. I think I have a thing for blue collar workers. Something about the bussboy, and the construction guy just really turns my gears, haha.

Anyways, It was so much fun, I actually ended up thinking a good deal about how much I wanted someone there to share it with me. There were a lots of couples there, and I dunno. As always, I ended up thinking about Cody. It didn't help that he sent the cutest text messages. I get mixed signals from him, sometimes he seems offput, and cold and interested in just looking around. Especially when he said the other night that he would want to see me, but would be open to other guys too, I dunno, it just felt as though he wasn't all that into me anymore. So I get all pissed off, and swear that we will never be together ever again. But then I get signs like these messages or whatever, and they are so cute and romantic, makes me fall for him again. Argh, stupid men.

Claude's son, Patrick and his gf were there, she was so funny. They both came up from L.A. where he is an actor, and she is a playwrite. I really got along with them, which made me happy cause they will probably be family one day.

It was such a great night.

Threats

My friend just told me to shut up already, and that if I post another negative blog entry they will be mad at me. LOL, so apparently that is over.

My mom graduates from her Masters program tommorrow. Patrick, who is kinda my brother-in-law just gave her and her partner an old typewriter as a house-warming/grad present. My mom has always wanted one, and it has meaning for her partner, cause he has always been a journalist, and he used to use them. It hit home for me, cause I always knew she wanted one, but never got her one, I always planned on it, but I just never found the perfect one for her.

I'm really focusing on schoolwork right now. I still have a lot of thought regarding Cody and such, but I'm going to put them aside for a wee bit and focus here. I think I'm going to go to Van for next weekend and see some friends there. I have one that moved there at the end of the summer, maybe we will hang out and catch up. Either that or I will focus more on schoolwork. haha.

Anyways, I'm off to read a textbook, WEEE !!

Stupid Feelings

I had assumed that I wouldn't see Cody for at least another month, probably more, and that was kind of calming, cause I knew when he would be back. For some reason it just helped knowing we had that guarenteed break.

He's flying home sometime soon, I think its this weekend, but I'm not sure, he didn't tell me. At first when I heard this, my gut instinct was to be tremendously excited. I don't know why, but thats what it was. I guess I had assumed that he was coming back permanently, and that I could see him soon.

Then I realised that he is just back for a couple of days, and he is flying into Vancouver to see his best friend there, and then going up to visit his family and Taco. It makes sense, I know that he misses them a lot. I think its tremendously good for him, to get to see them again, and sorta recharge.

I guess my stomach just fell when I realised that he would be coming back for a bit and I wouldn't get to see him. It's such a self-centered thing to think, I mean, he obviously would prioritize his family and close friends over me. I guess I had just hoped to see him.

I will still see him in January when he returns, or whenever. I hadn't thought that I was still so attached to the idea of seeing him until this happened. I just didn't think I missed him as much as that. I hope he misses me. I hope that we get back together. I have so many reasons to be mad or upset and to just not want to see him again, but I just can't be. I can't be mad or hateful towards him. Stupid love, I think I still have it.

Lost and Found

I found a DVD that I had bought about a month ago online. It's the most romantic movie I have ever seen, and its amazing for just its storyline. I had originally bought it to give to Cody along with some other things when I went to visit him in Montreal.

That trip is no longer happening and I'm not quite sure what to do with the movie. I still think it is a great movie, but I don't know how I feel about it anymore. It made me think of him when I first watched it, and I can't bring myself to watch it now that I own it. Perhaps one day I will watch it. Until then it shall stay in its clear plastic wrap.

Thats it, just a story about a movie.

grandma rocks the house

I went out last night to a fabulous drag show at Lucky bar, so much freaking fun ! It stared Juwanna Millionair, a drag queen I've hung out with at some parties in the past, she is soo funny. It was actually amazingly well choreographed. Branden, a friend of mine, was in it. So funny, I cannot overstate that.

I went as a granny ready for bed, it was awesome. I had this HUGE grey curly wig with a big flannel nighty, and these huge ready glasses, and then my big comfy outdoor slippers. The nighty exposed half of my legs, which were hairy, and I hadn't shaved my face in a couple days, which made it all that much more hilarious. It was definately hilarious.

My friend Julian went as a Calvin Klein model, essentially meaning he just wore his Calvin Klein underwear, and then I threw glitter all over him. Literally threw it at him. We then stuffed about three socks down his underwear, and it ws soo freaking funny. The funniest part was that it got down to zero celcius last night, he was very cold, but we weren't outside very much so it was all good. The negative is that there is glitter all over where he was in my car, haha !

My other friend Delyth then went as a Christmas present. She wore a huge wrapped box and with a big bow on her head and then her christmas pjs underneath. She used up the rest of the flitter, cause it was fun.

I especially loved how I was the most un-sexy of all of them. It was rather amusing actually. I had a couple of comments, however I did find that people avoid you when you are obviously cross-dressed. An interesting fact that I had never experience considering I've never cross-dressed before.

Overall, it was a damn fabulous night. Now I'm debating wether or not to wear that costume to work tommorrow. The ladies at work think it will be fine, but I'm not so sure I wanna cross-dress at a bank. Especially dressing as a granny when its a town full of old ladies. As much as I want to make fun of them, and I secretly harbour a lot of hatred towards them, it seems a little inappropriate.

Sunday Morning.

I'm up at this ungodly hour, so I figure I might as well rant on here a bit and then start my lazy day.

I woke up wonderfully this morning, despite the fact that I went to bed at 3:30am and woke at 7:30. I thought it was 8:30. My friend from Vancouver slept over, so we had to get up for him to catch the ferry, but we forgot the time change, so we ended up just having some breakfast and coffee and being up way too early. My mom is coming back from Vancouver today also, she and my brother were there visiting for this weekend.

Trevor (friend from Vancouver) and Amelia and I went to Earls for dinner last night, and then walked through Ross Bay cemetary. Its the oldest one in western North America apparently, so it was cool, especially considering none of us had a flashlight. They were very fond of large tomb structures back then, and so it was intensely creepy walking around these huge tombs in pitch black night with no light. Then we went back to her dorm at UVic and watched a movie with other people, and just lounged about. It was a good night, it was nice and low-key but still fun.

I am in such a restful, good mood today despite the lack of sleep. I guess I just needed a night like last night. I think I am going to read some of my textbooks, do laundry and possibly nap this afternoon. You know, the usual Sunday things to do.

Cody is possibly coming back sooner than I had thought from Montreal. I'm excited in a way. I think that it might be better for him to stay there, but I also think it would be better for his soul for him to come back and rest here. He seems drained and exhausted to me, and it helps to rest and revitalise in a familiar environment. I also am excited that I may get to see him sooner than I thought, but I am trying to not get too excited about that, since I don't know if he is coming back. Even if he does, it might be a while before it works out that I can see him anyways.

Its been an emotionally exhausting week, I'm looking forward to today and its rest. I cannot wait for the long weekend in two weeks. Oop, laundry just buzzed. I shall be going now.

Cirque Du Soleil ?

I should join them. I just broke into my own house through my second storey window. Long story short I left my keys at home when I went to work, and my mom left on the ferry to Vancouver just before I got home. We do not keep a spare key hidden, for safety reasons, and none of our neighbours have one either. The only people that do, my aunt and uncle that I detest were unreachable. Long storey short, with the help of my neighbour's ladder, and my surprising ability of overcome my fear of heights, I opened and crawled in through my own second floor window. Thank the gods I never lock it. The ladder was so sketchy too, I had to stand on the top rung just to barely reach the window. Not very safe procedure, but it worked.

And therefore I should be in Cirque Du Soleil or a professional house burgler.

I also went on a date tonight, it was fun, nice guy. He is sweet but not my type. I originally was suppose to have a date with a guy in Law School at UVic tonight, but he cancelled. Yet oddly enough, another guy emailed me asking if I wanted to go to a movie. He was nice, and I think a good friend possibly, but nothing more. I just don't see him that way.

I'm going out tommorrow night to a house party, should be fun. Its not a raging one, a small get-together really. Then we plan on possibly going to this costume contest, although I am definately not entering it, haha. This plan is the idea of another guy, he's someone I've known for a while, actually a long while. He is sweet and ever so cute, mostly in how he is always so charming to me. We just alwasy flirt and thats it (cause we'rejust friends), but right now that sort of attention would be kinda nice. I don't want anything more anyways.

Crap, its late. I have to be up in 6.5 hours. I don't even know why I'm up.

Wah-Bam.

Bear with me. I am trying to talk about my emotions and my life here while omitting certain details to protect a friend and respect an agreement.

I got some shocking news this morning, more of a shock to someone else than to me, but something that they have been dealing with for the past 3 days and let me know about today. I got it while at work, but I handled myself well. Only a couple people asked if something was the matter, and I told them "yes, but I cannot say what".

I have an emotional conundrum right now. I am hurt about something that happened, and thinking about it makes me verge on tears, and angers me all at once. At the same time, I knew that the event would happen eventually, I just didn't think so soon, or so suddenly, so I had less time to prepare.

Then, the disturbing news makes my anger and tears disappear and my concern come out. I still feel the anger and the upset, but the concern and worry takes over so that I feel more that I wish well and have hope, but at the same time there is underlying upsetness.

There are dark emotions looming too. Emotions that make me hate myself. I used to be suicidal at one point in my life, many years ago, before I moved to this country. I had tried to commit suicide, but I don't think my whole heart was in the attempt, and I had just fell very ill for a couple days instead. Now I feel familiar emotions from all those many years ago coming back, almost like old friends. They aren't brought by any one particular event in my life, but rather by the greater atmosphere present now in me.

All this, and talking about all this makes me feel very selfish. This emotional cloud has existed for many weeks now, and is really nothing all that new. I need to be there for someone right now, and I need to be supportive. I feel soo guilty for having my own emotional and mental issues when I know there is someone out there that needs me more than I need myself right now.

I wish them well, I really do. There are mixed feelings yes, but there is also love and hope beneath it all. Deep down in my heart I feel that it will be alright, and that this will work out to a positive conclusion.

I have remained vague, while still being as descriptive of myself as possible given the situation. I cannot reveal details or any more information, so do not ask.

All I know is that my mom was talking to me yesterday about how I perhaps needed to do some emotional growth, and some spiritual enlightenment. She feels that I need to discover myself more, and start to think about my spiritual path and purpose here on this planet. As a symbolic move, I spent all of last night cleaning out my closet, getting rid of literally hundreds of items of clothing I no longer wear. They are no longer a part of me. I then gave them away to a charity, and it was healing.

That darkness is there, and I think that is also part of the task for me, but I am learning as I bow to that darkness, accept why it is there, but not give in to it. I will not fight it, but let it become part of my soul, and heal me.

I was given the opportunity to grow more spiritually when I was faced with a decision also last night. I'm sure that I made the right one. To confirm I am on the right path, the universe gave me an even larger task for growth emotionally today. I am doing something that I would have never done this time a year ago, and I feel like it is helping me become a more gracious and comprehensive human being. I don't know where this path leads, but I am on it now.

Hell Yea !

Thank you Scissor Sisters for these words of inspiration when I need them !

Hell if Jesus had the power than so do I
To rise up from the dead and take up to the sky
I'm bustin' for the money so I get by
If music is the victim then so am I

(from Music is the Victim)

OMFG

I love this blog sooo much ! but I'm not sure if he still exists anymore, which makes me sad. The internet and I will cry. Anyways, Check out Spirit Fingers right now !

Do it !

Or else I will haunt you forever !!


FOR EVER !

oh life

Ok, so lots of changes happened in my life in the last 36 hours, one was personal, one was career. The former was a larger event.

Firstly, I went into work today, and I noticed that I was on the schedule as being in the cage (Central Teller responsible for all the actuall cash and business deposits) for three time slots today. The person thats in charge of the cage full-time at our branch had decided to have me as her cover for all her breaks on Mondays and Saturdays from now on. This is an important step, it means that I will be doing a job that is a step above mine as relief from now on. They had already trained me to work in the cage last week, but I had no idea they would put me on as relief/cover this quickly. Apparently she likes me, yay. So not only does it means more responsibility, which looks good to the manager hehe, but it also means I am formally trained for that position and could apply for a posting for that position at any branch if I so desired (its much better paid), which is good to know. Not that I neccessarily would, but its good to know.

Secondly, Cody and I effectively ended it last night. I was rather upset and mad at the time, but now looking back it makes a lot of sense. We never see one another, and we won't see one another for a matter of months still. We are going to get together and hang out when he returns, and then see where it goes. I think that when he returns we will probably remain some sort of friends, I don't really know. I think that when I move to Vancouver things will change, I already know what I intend to do and to propose when I move there, I just need the next couple of months (or more) to make sure that what I am planning is really what I want to do.

Its weird, any other guy until now I would have (and actually have) just dismissed and moved on. I don't stay friends with dated men, I just don't, until now. I can't imagine me never talking to him ever again, and that alone makes me think that maybe there is something there and something possible that is just not meant to be yet. Like I said, I just need the next couple months to make sure I know this in my heart.

Thats about it. I feel bad cancelling the trip to Montreal, especially when I really still want to see the city. However, given where we are, it would be awkward to go, and its most likely best to just wait until he returns.

My Promise

I'm currently in the middle of a fight with Cody over the last blog, mostly because I didn't mention him and he feels that I now longer see him in my life.

The opposite is true, I think about him at least once a day, and so I purposefully avoid talking about him on here cause I know he can read it.

That is over, from now on I promise to talk about everything in my life honestly and maturely and completely. And if he does not like something, then we can discuss it, just like anyone else would with me. Basically, this is now a truly open forum for my thoughts ! Thats my promise to myself !

Hrm.

What is wrong with me ?

Something has made me boring. I don't know, there are so many big changes happening, and I feel like I'm at the brink of some large personal change too.

I feel like I'm emerging from some sort of crysalis, and I think its partly due to the fact that I haven't done that much self discovery yet. I've discovered myself and grown as much as I can while still living at home and not being truly dependant. Thats all about to change.

I didn't go out tonight, even though I had Elaine and Julian both ask me. I had even already had plans with Julian and his bf (such a cute couple), but I don't know. To be honest, I wanted to snuggle with a guy and watch a movie tonight. Of course I can't tell people that, cause then I would seem like an even bigger loser, not that they won't know by reading this.

I'm just lazy and sleepy and lonely right now. I don't even think I know what I want, and thats what makes me almost mad at myself. I don't want to just go out and pick up some guy for fun times, I don't even want to snuggle with some random guy. Then again, I don't want to be celibate, but I honestly don't even want any man over right now.

I don't want to move out, mostly cause I don't want to start paying rent and all that crap. Thats for after I'm done school. Argh. But I want to be independant, and the idea of being on my own excites me so much !

What is wrong with me ?

Cat Piss

Today my prof handed back our marked midterms in class. She calls us out by name, and people walk up to the front and pick theirs up. After all the midterms have been given out I realise that she has not called my name. She then calls me and three others up to the front by name, and I notice our midterms in a separate pile on her little table at the front of the lecture hall.

I thought I was going to piss my pants, I don't think I have been so scared for a very long time. I was mortified that I was being called by name in front of a class of 100 or more people.

She then quietly tells us that the T.A.'s cat sat and pissed on our midterms after she was done marking them, cause they were in a separate pile because she had marked ours first. I was so amazingly relieved, and also greatly amused. She felt so bad, it was hilarious ! Not only did she appoligise profusely, she had photocopied our midterms so we didn't have to handle the nasty originals. THEN, she gave us all starbucks cards to make up for it all. I was soo amused, never before in my University career has something like that happened, it was awesome, and now I have such a hilarious story to tell !

In related news, I got 36/45 on the midterm, which is only a B+, but pretty damn awesome considering the class average was 30/45, and thats a B-.

Perfume

Perfume is the best novel EVER !

I am really ejoying reading it tonight, I am getting so amazingly into the storyline.

That is all, I just wanted to let the world know that.

The Broke Banker

I am so financially screwed. I make all these plans to try and save money, and to put as much away a month as I can afford, and it is never as much as I plan. Sure, I have been able to save SOME money, but mostly I haven't been saving very much at all since last year.

It started when I had to do some work on my car in the summer, it wasn't too expensive, and it was fine considering its the first time ever that my car has needed any work done on it, but that cost money I hadn't planned on spending. THEN I forgot to factor in books for September, and so that cost me about $400 more than I had taken into consideration. Then I had to pay for plane tickets out to Montreal to see Cody, a trip that I'm not even sure I am taking now. I understand that things happen, but it seems like the world is conspiring to prevent me from saving ANY money for when I finally move out in January. That is only just over 2 months away, and I am no closer to having a safety net than I was at the start of the summer. ARGH !

I wish I could figure out some way to control this leaking of money. I think the thing is that it is almost impossible for me to save money because I have such high set costs relative to my income. There really isn't anything I can cut back on spending every month. These unexpected expenses are what is really preventing the saving me thinks.

Oh well, I have the next two months, and hopefully I can save some over that time. I just wish I wasn't a student, and I wish money wasn't so tight.

There, that is my childish rant for the day.

New Hair !

Long story short, do not drink a bottle of wine, some vodka, a bit of gin (from a drag queen) and a couples puffs of weed all in the same night at the same party. Its just bad news. I spent today recovering from that little mistake.

The goods news ! I got my hair did, its soo hot. I apparently will have to buy a air straightener soon, but it needs to grow another couple of inches to be perfect. Here it is, you can imagine what my stylist and I are working towards:

To Sarah from me.

Sarah, a friend of Meghans' that I do not know, made a comment on my last post that made me think. A link to her blog is on the right.

Anyways, she essentially got me thinking about the stuff going on in my life, mostly surrounding Cody. We also had a good talk (Cody and I) last night about where we are and what is going on. We are most definately on a break, and we shall remain as such until he returns to BC. I think it is good for us to be independant for now, seeing as we can barely see one another anyways, so we might as well just be on a 'break'.

I know we should get back together when he returns, it makes me mad that he left in the first place, but I want us to try at it again. I don't know when he is coming back, which only adds to the anger and confusion. However, my coworker said it perfectly when she told me to "stop worrying so much, relax, if its meant to be, then it will be".

Then comes up the issue of the plane ride to Montreal and my planned trip to go there. The issue is slightly monetary in origin, but mostly it is about whether or not it would be awkward for me to visit him while we are 'on a break'. To this she also replied that "you should go there, visit him, see the city. Consider it a vacation, and enjoy it as such. Then, when it is over, you will know whether you still have feelings for this guy, or you have moved on and it can no longer be. Just relax and enjoy it, and discover if your spark is still there at the same time."

I think she is right in both regards. I am suppose to go to Eric's party tonight, and I think I will. We will have fun, but not too much cause I work tommorrow, hehe. I am going to just let go and relax. I'm not going to try and move on from Cody, in fact, I want to maintain contact, but I won't worry so much this way. Then, we can see how it all fits and how it is between us when I go and visit him next month. Life goes on, and so it shall. When the time is right, we shall see if we are right.

Hehe.

I did it !

I stopped the cycle of my dreams. I don't know how, but I did !

I'm going to a party that my friend Eric is throwing tommorrow night, hopefully that will mark the end of this shitty week and the beginning of a better one !

In fact, I know it will. I was so confused, angry, upset and confused, but now I most definately know what I want. I love being me.

Another One

I had another intense dream last night, and like the others (and unusually for me), I still remember it very clearly. I have had one of these dreams each night now, for three nights in a row. I don't know why.

This time My mom had just died, and I was weeping with my face hidden in the corner of a stone wall. It was a dark brown stone, and there were people around, it looked like an ancient temple, with candles and odd inscriptions on the walls.

Her funeral procession started. A woman, whom I did not know, came up to me and told me to join it at the end. I walked with them. I wept the entire time, but I felt very guilty for crying. I felt as though all the people around me were judging me. They were mad at me for being upset. I remember feeling so strongly in emotional pain.

Then I awoke, and I was crying.

Salvated

I came home, and opened iTunes, and it just started at this song. I didn't even know I had it, then I listened to it, and it spoke to me. I've been having weird dreams while this has all been going on. This reminded me clearly of my dream last night. I never remember dreams, but its been playing through my head all day, popping into my head at the most odd moments. I was touring UBC, and looking at the housing, but it was all these gothic rooms with dirt floors in very dank, dark conditions. Then as I walked through it, it slowly turned to take on a medical feel. the guide showed me a room that had apparently belonged to my friend. Then, slowly yet suddenly, there were patients in the rooms, and they were all me, and they were all ill from odd diseases. The guide said to not worry, cause they were to numb to feel their own pain, or to know they were ill. I said it was nice to use drugs to do that, and he said that the mind is the best drug.

when I was a young girl
( Traditional - Texas Gladden )
sang by Feist

When I was a young girl I used to seek pleasure
When I was a young girl I used to drink ale
Out of the ale house down into the jail house
My body's salvated and hell is my doom

Come mama come papa and sit you down by me
Come sit you down by me and pity my case
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body's salvating and hell is my doom

Please send for the preacher to come and pray for me
And send for the doctor to heal all my wounds
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body's salvating and I'm bound to die

One morning one morning one morning in May
I saw this young lady all wrapped in white linen
All wrapped in white linen and called out "the plague"

I don't know

Sometimes things seem like a bad idea, and they do turn out to be mistakes. Sometimes things seem like a bad idea, and they turn out to be good. So, I'm left with the question: Under which category does this choice fall ?

Cody and I are taking 'a break' per sae. We started dating not long before he moved to Montreal, and we have been kinda intense ever since. I think I said it best when I stated that we 'felt like a married couple'. We have downgraded (for lack of a better word) to the status of seeing one another until he comes back from Montreal.

This way neither of us is worried about the other, or feeling like they are highly commited. We are 'open', but only if it happens and the opportunity presents itself, we may sleep with someone else. No other relationships, no other dating, and always safe-sex practices, no question.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. It could be the saving grace we hope it is, and therefore we can almost start anew when he returns, and not jump right in as fast as we did into a relationship. We have been fighting a lot recently, and I think it was because we were fustrated at our commitments to one another, but not reaping any of the benefits of the relationship. I couldn't even snuggle with him for the past 5 weeks.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I just want a snuggle buddy, haha. I don't really feel the need to have sex now that we have agreed it is ok for the next while, but snuggling is definately needed right now. I don't know if that would be appropriate though.

Sigh, I hope this isn't the start of the end of our relationship. Cody had a good point though, this may make us appreciate one another more when we are finally close again, and it may prove to strengthen us. If we don't come out wanting to be together, maybe we weren't meant to be ?

I don't know, too much philosophy at 1:30am. I'm going to bed.

What do you think ? Are we idiots, or have we found a creative solution?

Email to Cody (edited)

I simply had to send you an email before i went to bed. I am SOO rediculously tired, and I do not think you will ever fully understand the vast amounts of energy and effort it is taking to just type right now ! haha !

I went out with Delyth, and my friends Bethany and Richelle and April, it was Bethany's birthday, so we all drank a LOT at her house, and hung out. Julian came too, he was super fun. He is such a good friend, Delyth really liked him too, and it just seems all so fabulous !

We all went dancing, and I freaking danced straight from about 10pm - 1:30am, with only slight breaks for shots. haha, my feet hurt sooo much ! SO MUCH ! my legs are kinda sore too. I made so many random friends tonight too. This lady from Finland ! She was awesome, she was hilarious, and this girl from Nanaimo, OH ! and the coatcheck guy was a hilarious flamer, and knew my friend and so he let us all three in for free ! so awesome. The place was awesome, the music was ok, but the atmosphere was so freaking grand, I just loved it !!! I also made this friend that was a str8 guy named Devon, he was soo funny. Kept on saying how he saw me and Julian in the line and knew we couldnt be str8, ahha ! he was funny, and we all kinda danced together for a bit. He really rocked it on to Billy Jean when it came on. They played this great mix of dance, and electra and pop hits and rock and techno remixes, it was simply fabulous.

Anyways so now I am home, and it is like almost 5am !! oh dear. I should go to bed. I'm really tired and my feet hurts !

You have a good day at work tommorrow ! Love you sweetie and talk to you later ! kisses !

-Matt

Consent

This is the BEST short from youtube EVER. I do not exaggerate people ! watch it.

Interview with me

Thats it, I'm a vampire.





I watched Interview with the Vampire starring Tom Cruise (yum) and Brad Pitt (more yum). Best movie I think I have seen of the genre. It was part of my GERS 487 class, Vampire Culture and Mythology/Legend. It was amazing, I was impressed and overwhelmed with emotions throughout it. The mark of a good film is when it ends, and I never once noticed time was even passing. This story was like that, I was so sad when it ended, it was spectacular.

After watching it, I've decided that I am a vampire in spirit. I am obviously not planning on going around sucking the blood of mortals any time soon, but parts of my personality already match up. I've always been fascinated by them, since I was a child, but never been afraid of them. I usually dress as one for All Hallow's Night. I HATE sun, in fact, its been a very warm fall thus far, lots of sunshine and warmth. Every morning I wake up to the warmth and sunlight in my room, it disgusts me. I love the weather right now, its chilly outside, foggy, and its dark with the soft light of streetlamps. Its my eden. Moody, thoughtful, secretive and mystical, so much more civilized.




I must say that both those men were even sexier to me as vampires, and the costumes were gorgeous. I think that deep down my fascination with vampires stems from my secret jealousy of them. They are immortal, see all, and possess an air of mystery and mystic that I adore.

Therefore, I now declare myself a vampire. Like I said, I do not plan on sucking anyones blood, but I plan on recognising the part of myself that enjoys the dark, foggy, cold night, bundling up in fine cloths and scarves and is fascinated with immortality and spirit. It is romantic to me.

I'm really enjoying this class.

I'm a freaking genius !

I'm writing my first REALLY good academic paper. I've managed to avoid them up until now by doing a degree that is highly mathematical, and therefore involves few written papers that are anything more than a report or summary.

It's a paper that has really inspired me, and I think the key to it being good is how passionate I am about what I am talking about it. It's on gay rights and issues essentially, but my argument is that same-sex marriage (recently made legal here in Canada) is not really that important of an issue for both the average gay Canadian or the overall gay rights movement. Rather, I believe that the overlooked topid of gay education is fundamental. Or, rather, the lack of homosexual literature and exposure to it in the educational institution. Luckily, there is a whole bucket-load of literature on the topic, all of it supporting my point more or less.

I then go on to argue that homosexual and heterosexual worlds will never be equal as long as both words are in existance as ideas and social confines. Education is the perfect way to pursue equality in this regard, for if we can educate children and they grow up accepting of different peoples, then we have successfully ensured society will evolve to be likewise. Great strides have been acheived in this area with regards to race and sex, but not sexuality, and it makes me furious, thereby fuelling the fire with which I write this paper.

Western society is so far behind in these contexts too. I found a reference to Samoan society, which did not (and still doesn't) categorize sexual acts as homosexual or heterosexual. Boys playing 'homosexual' games and casual lesbian relationships were ignored by the locals when Westerners first recorded it in the 1920's. Sadly, the Westerners noticed.

Anyways, I'm going to try and find a way to post the essay on here when I'm done it. I'm actually almost done at this point right now, although I have a max number of pages that is limiting me, and I feel like I can't get all my ideas across. Oh well, I'll just try and focus it on a couple main points !

My Cublicle

Shit EVERYWHERE

Ok, so I'm cleaning out my desk and my room. There is so much crap in my desk... Its quite amusing.

I found a condom in my desk drawer, not a brand that I ahve ever seen before, and I have never bought a condom in my entire life (something I feel that my men need to foot the bill for themselves), so I have no idea where it was from. I threw it out.

Then, I found a bottle of Kahlua. YAY ! But it was empty, so I shed a tear and moved on.

Then, since I was exhausted from cleaning and other domestic duties, I laid down to read Dracula, and fell asleep until class at 6pm.

Now I am at home, after class, pretending to study and talking to Cody in Montreal. Sigh, only 51 days until I visit him.

Career Fair

So, there is a Career Fair at the downtown branch tonight, from 5pm-9pm. The problem is that I have a class from 6:30 - 9pm.

I'm not sure what I should do, I really think it would be pertinent to my career aspirations to attend the fair, but at the same time, these things are usually more of a social gathering than anything. Its important for my long term career for me to go to this class as well, but I simply do not know which one to choose. The career fair would be obviously more fun, but I think that I will end up going to class instead, sigh.

Its kind of sad that that's the only thing that I can think of the blog about. I promise more interesting crap next time !

Thank You John Mayer

John recently joined the coalition of artists and stars that have written or spoken out about the messed up situation the world is in today, about the stupid war, and the stupid leaders of what we call 'Democracy' and I just wanted to thank him. I listen to songs like these and they inspire me, and make me depressed. How is it that so many people can feel this way, and disagree with our leaders, and yet it seems like we make no headway. Almost makes you want to give up and just wait, which I guess is his point.

"Waiting On The World To Change"
John Mayer

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Ah Crap !

Something is definately wrong, I'm just not sure what.

Tonight I went out to my friend Elaine's house, and we had Noodle Box and watched Love Actually, BEST FREAKING MOVIE EVER ! Anyways, thats not the point, afterwards I went out with Delyth to Social Club, and we danced with her two friends Lisa and Sarah. Then, we went to Hush, the electronica, kinda gay club, where Lisa's BF works. We had so much freaking fun and danced our asses off.

I met my friend Julian, whom I have only known online until now, there. He was fun, although he had been there for a while when we came, and I could tell he was hot, sweaty and tired, and he left after about an hour or so. Anyways, so I talked to Cody before I left and said it would just be me and some friends at Social Club and then I was heading home. Oops, plans changed, but I don't think he is happy that I saw Julian, because I found Julian attractive and we almost dated before I met Cody. I mean, I had a guy hit on me, and I told him that I was taken, and that went fine, and Julian and I didn't dance together, we just danced NEAR one another with the girls. I think I handled it fine. BESIDES, Cody went to a freaking gay strip club and very much wanted to cheat on me, so its not like I did anything near that. Argh, I shouldn't bring up the past, I don't want to be that sort of a boyfriend. Anyways, so then Delyth wanted to talk to someone, so I had the brilliant idea that she should call Cody.

Bear in mind that I am driving them all home, so I need to not drink too much, well Delyth is comepletely hammered, and she talks to him, and then I'm all deaf and excited and such, so I probably sounded completely drunk on the phone. I had two drinks, a beer and a shot of tequila. I heart tequila. Anyways, so I think he may have hung up on me, because he thought I was drunk and had driven drunk. I mean, I went through TWO freaking roadblocks on my way home, and I told both of them the truth and neither of them even asked me to get out of the car, it was fine.

I was perhaps a little buzzed, but nothing more. The cops knew that I was fine, and so did I.

Anyways, Cody was also a little short with me the last time we talked online last night. I don't want to read into it too much. It was just that he signed off before I even really got a chance to say goodnight, and yea.. I dunno, he was just short. So, I spend an hour trying to find the perfect ecard to send him to make him feel good in the morning before work, and I found it and sent it. He hasn't said a thing about it. I dunno, I'm just worried that something is bothering him, or that he is upset with me.

Maybe I am over-reacting, but I think that there is something going on I don't know about, or something I've done has rubbed him the wrong way. I need to sort this out.

I also need to get to bed, my its late, cheerio for now !

Leaving me !

There are three people at work leaving me, its saddening.

I just had a retirement/going away appys/drinks party at a local pub/restaurant called the Beacon Landing. It was awesome, we had the best drinks and some really good food, although it was extremely expensive.

Anyways, so my trainer, Dan, is leaving us for a full-time Central Teller position at the main branch which is good for him cause it is a really exciting job and its a pay scale higher. The other was Maureen, who is retiring at the end of this month. I'm really sad to see both of them going, especially when it is the guy that trained me.

I took out my big binder tonight, and started organising, it was fun. I had notes in there from first year Calculus; so, needless to say, it needed the organising. It really excited me actually, and I realised just how much I love being s student sometimes. I'm not nearly as far behind as I think I am when it comes to school work, I think I'm just being melodramatic. I mean, its a lot on my plate, but I can handle it. I just need to do this paper proposal and write a quick 300 word film review this weekend. It should, in total, only take me 4 hours to complete those two things.

I'm really tired tonight, I'm not quite sure why. I only work until 1:30pm tommorrow, so I think after work I am going to go to UVic and start working on a paper proposal that I have to submit by Monday, and then if I get a good chunk of that done, then I am allowed to go out tommorrow night. My good friend that also works at Main Branch is having a party at her house, and its going to be awesome, she is such a riot. So if I study hard, then I'm going there with some friends, and it will be fun !

Moving.

My mom has met this amazing man, and she and him are definately hitting it off, its weird, but I am so happy for her. They've known one another for about 2 years, but only recently became romantically involved. In any case, they have decided to move in together in about a year, so next September.

This is also because my mom has decided to do her PHD at UBC in Vancouver. This is also really exciting and I am totally happy for her. Therefore, they will be moving in together to Vancouver, where he already lives, in less than a year. This means I need to find a new place to live in about 10 months, and we have to get our house ready to be on the market in about 6 months.

The housing market here is rediculously expensive, especially seeing as it is a prime retirement community, so my mom has been told she can effectively sell it for more than double what we paid for it, which is also fabulous.

I need to find somewhere to live now... I'm seriously considering transfering to UBC and moving to Vancouver when she does. I probably won't live with her, I more see myself either moving in with my friend Megan or with my boyfriend Cody... It's exciting, I love change !

Crap, I'm kinda late for work, gotta run !

Back to Madness

So, it's the 'back to school' week, woo hoo !

I don't actually start classes until Wednesday, but I'm up right now way too early for work, and so I thought I might as well write on here what is going through my mind right now. I cannot wait to go back to school, but I also do not want to go back to having no life. RBC has given me like 35 hour workweeks, while I'm doing four classes at UVic. I don't quite know how I am going to do it.

I know that they gave me the schedule out of kindness, they give more hours to the good employees. It's the sort of place where you work hard to get more than part-time hours, but part-time is all that I want. I'm going to go in and talk to my manager today, which may not be the best idea but its the only time I can think of to do this, and the earlier, the better.

It's going to be SO freaking busy at work today, its the day back from a long weekend, and my manager was off sick all of last week. I love my new job, but I wish I knew today wasn't going to be insane. It's not really insane like Starbucks would be, its busy, but a different type of busy-ness.

Oh well, I should be happy to have an awesome job, and lucky to be at UVic and just get over it all ! haha. I'm going to go have some coffee.

I luse mEghan

I love hwr. its beens a a good nigst. I went tos megans and ahead soe poit and sangraia nd ooies, and somes vodak. :D

I am raslyy tried but, iwasnt to stuay up sot hat i can sayhi to cdoy before hwe goes to worsk int eh morning thiere.

Ims oo tried.s

Adequate Resolution

Ok, so this is a follow-up to the stripper incident post. haha, that sounds funny. Anyways...

So, Cody went out and had a great time. The friend he was with, Brian, has a BF, but they are apparently in a new relationship and have decided to be "open" right now. Therefore, if either of them see someone they want to have sex with, they do so, but they remain only in a "relationship" with one another. Cody and I agree that while that may work for them, it sure as hell does not work for us !

So Cody went out, and he said the places were amazing. Apparently the first two strip joints were really sleezy and he didn't like them, but the last place was really classily done and really fun atmosphere. He liked it, but said that he was kinda feeling lonely. Apparently the guys in Montreal are very in your face and aggressive, and he had a hard time with how often he was being hit on... and Brian wasn't helping, cause he was trying to convince him to fling while he was in the city. I am going to kill that Brian.

Yea, so then when Brian went to go leave, Cody decided he had to leave too, because he was being way too tempted by the hot boys everywhere. We talked a bit when he came home, and this morning, and he really opened up about how he felt.

He said had a really strong urge to just have a fling, and was kind of mad for a bit that he wasn't single when he was out. But then he felt extremely bad for thinking that, and started feeling guilty that the thought had even crossed his mind, which is cute, but doesn't quite make it right in my opinion.

I can understand how he must of felt, and it was hard for him, so he left because he didn't want to be tempted any more. I must admit that I was angry that he had been tempted and that he had wanted to do cheat for a bit, but it doesn't surprise me, thats why I didn't want him going in the first place ! ARgh.

Anyways, so now its over, and I can move on. I'm still jealous, but whatever, like Steph said, I will be until he comes home, its just who I am. We are on better terms now, and I feel like things are getting back to normal. I really had no idea now amazingly intensely emotional these Long Distance Relationships can be, I can't wait until Cody is home.

Why am I pissed off ?

Cody is in Montreal. His friend, Sanjay, has a friend in Montreal who is taking Cody out with some of his friends tommorrow night. I think it's exciting, and I was happy he was going to have fun while he was there, cause he's not exactly enjoying his job or where in the city he is.

Anyways, now I was informed that he is actually going out to a bunch of gay strip clubs tommorrow night. Which I was only slightly mad about until I decided to read up about some of them in Montreal.

Apparently, Montreal is known for these strip clubs. A lot of them have "private rooms" and you can purchase "extended private dances". Gawd, how amazingly seedy. Even some of the reviews say that they were seedy compared to what the person expected. Some were reviewed as being "classy" and well managed, but they all have private "back rooms" and such.

Honestly, given as much as I know about gay people, it doesn't surprise me one bit. What does surprise me is that Cody told me he was going out tommorrow night ages ago, but didn't mention the stripper thing until tonight. I don't know, maybe I'm reading way too much into it than I should be; but I honestly am not very happy when I imagine what could happen when you mix alcohol and a bunch of gay guys out on the town in one of these places. I think I'm also jealous, because I know that he is going to find these guys attractive and be yelling and hooting at them, while I sit here, literally hundreds of miles away from my boyfriend.

I don't even want to talk about it with him, I'm just mad, and sad, and I could almost cry, and I don't know why. I think more than anything, what pisses me off, is that he is going to be out and about in one of the hottest and biggest gay scenes in Canada witha bunch of hot guys, and I'm not there, I'm not even close, and lets be honest, I will probably be the last thing on his mind. I just hate being this far away.

Megan says I'm over-reacting about the strippers, but I don't think its even about them. I think its more about me hating being separated from my man when he is in such an amazing city. I can't stand it, and I hate that I get jealous so easily, but I can't help it. All my past romances have all involved cheating, its just been a plague on my love life.

Then again, maybe its just me, maybe I'm being an idiot. Or maybe I'm right, and I was a fool.

My Everything.

I am so completely and totally in love, it would be scary if it wasn't so wonderful.

I never knew how all-encompassing and overwhelming this feeling is. I can honestly say that I have never felt like this before about any human being, and its beautiful. He is my everything.

His name is Cody, and we met online. Yes, we met online, get over it. I love him.

I imagine you want to know all the background info that friends usually want. He lives in Merrit temporarily right now, while he waits to start his training to become an Air Traffic Controller. He is currently an Aircraft Mechanic. He's working his last contract, with Bombardier, in Montreal for the next 2 months, which makes me happy for him, but sad. I will get to see him in 6 weeks, when I fly there to see him for Thanksgiving in October.

He has a dog named Taco, whom I also love, not in the same way.



I don't know what else to say. I never wanted to get married. I never wanted to be that committed, I just wanted a bf, but never anything seriously more.

I can see myself marrying him. I would love to grow old with him, and spend the rest of our lives together.

So much !

OMG, It's been an insanely long time since I posted ANYTHING on here. I'm considering changing my blog over to a MySpace account, but I'm not sure. If, and when, I get that up and running, I will post on here for those of you whom it may concern what that address would be !

In the news:

I've been busy with the new job, just finished training, and yea, been excitingly busy at work. I've met the man of my dreams, and we have been going out for just overa month now I think. It's been pretty crazy, but wonderful all at once.

Yea, when I have more time and focus I will update some more on the particulars and details.

I love Sundays.

I just realised something, I will never have to work on a Sunday ever again. Furthermore, I am promising myself that I will never work at a job on a Sunday for the rest of my life, its exciting !

I'm doing laundry, washing regular clothes and getting my dress shirts pressed for tommorrow. I love the simple pleasures of life so much. I just make myself some coffee an hour ago and have been watching a 'What Not to Wear' marathon on TLC.

I had an awesome weekend, and I'm getting my first paycheque on Friday from the bank ! They have an online system, so I can see what my paycheque will be beforehand, which I must say is rather useful. It's the largest paycheque I have ever gotten, and it is exciting. I'm really happy right now, even though there is no significant other in my life right now, I feel fine about it. I do not need someone else to make me fabulous ! My job is great, and it has career posibilities, school starts soon, and I'm excited for it.

I'm starting to feel what I can only describe as 'comfortable in my own skin'. It feels great. It helps that I probably found the most perfect place in the whole world for me to move into when I decide to move out.

One of my co-trainees at the Main Branch in Victoria lives just across the water in a nice part of Esquimalt, in a house built in the 1920's. It's gorgeously bohemian. There is a huge egg painted on one wall of the gigantic kitchen and the firplace is a huge, with brightly painted walls. It has all original hardwood floors and is on a large lot. It also technically has three bedrooms, but right now its her and her friend living there. The third bedroom (hopefully mine in the future) is actually a redone part of the attic, it overlooks the street through these funky old shuttered windows, and has a slanted ceiling, which I love. You get to the room via this narrow, steep staircase, but that is the only downside. The room is quite small, but the closet is HUGE, which is good for me. I love the livingroom too, which they said I could add me desk to, and make part of it into a study for me.

Now, for the best part. The house is owned by her parents, and they do not have a mortgage on it, so they pay rediculously cheap rent, $800 total for the entire place. If I moved in, they would charge me $200, and each pay $300 themselves, because I'm getting the smallest room, and because it's in the attic. I cannot believe how cheap that is. Its not uncommon to pay $600+ for a semi-decent bachelor studio appartment here, and this is a room in a huge funky old house with hardwood floors that is a 10 minute bus ride from downtown. They are also not 'looking' for a roomate, so the room is pretty much mine whenever I decide to move out, since I have no competition for it.

I think I know where I am going to move into come January.

It's a rainy Sunday, the best kind, and I am thoroughly enjoying it.